Closing the Door

This entry isn't like the other entries before it.  Though it contains language that some may not find favorable, it illustrates the situation in a manner that I view as appropriate.  Before I begin, I want to update everyone as to what's been going on in my life for the past few days or so.

The exercise routine has been progressing.  Tomorrow, I'll be up to 40 repetitions with the 10 lbs dumb bell and 30 push ups off the wall.  The slow climb continues.

I also did something that some may find quite shocking.  Instead of blowing most of my tax return on a material item, I used it to pay off an old credit card.  The goal is to pay off two more accounts this year.

Today, I plan on starting a podcast for the website I've been working on.  I'll have to buy some extra equipment, but it shouldn't be too expensive.

In short, we live in interesting times, and what's done now will determine what options are available later on in life.  I have my plans, and I want to see them come to fruitiion.

Last week, I ran into an old acquaintance on UCM's campus.  The gentleman in question is a kind soul who has been a student since the beginning of my college years.  I apparently had been very helpful to him just by being there and listening to him talk.

Sometimes that's all that's needed when one's going through a rough point in their life.

One of the interesting things he told me was how he wouldn't want to be 18 again.  The law doesn't like most people that age, for they tend to get in a lot trouble.  He also viewed the 20's as a waste of time and indicated that 30 is a good age to be.

According to him, at 30, things begin to fall into place.

For the past several weeks, certain things have been occurring to confirm a decision that I had already reached.  In some instances, it was a simple conversation.  In others, it involved memories of the past.  The information from all of it intertwined into a form of understanding.

They are revelations. Those moments of clarity in which things that weren't initially obvious. In other words, the obscure becomes mainstream in the mind.

I had an epiphany in the recent weeks.

It was that shining moment in which I realized that an early life event was the root of one of my biggest troubles. As they say, you won’t know where you’re going unless you know where you’ve been. Part of that knowing is understanding why.

After all, what use is an epiphany if it's not acted upon?

This week, there won't be a Weekend's Over Wednesday post, because I'll be off until Friday night.

I'm taking a mini vacation this month, because I didn’t want to deal with Valentine's Day or the bullshit that goes along with it. I sent my dad a birthday card as the 14th was his day of birth, and I'll call him on that day wishing him a happy birthday.

Other than that, I won't be celebrating a holiday that's been so commercialized, that single people are left out in the cold. I’m making a stand here and now. The line in the sand has been drawn.

Not only am I done with the so called "dating scene," I intend to stay single for as long as possible. If I can get away with it, it will be for the rest of my life.

The only relationships I intend to have are family connections, friendships, and professional associations with others.

For those thinking that it’s sour grapes, save it. There’s a method to my so called madness. In March, I'll have been alive for 30 years. In all of those years, I have had one actual relationship that lasted for four months.

More on that in a moment.

When I Was in College

The year was 2009. I was working in retail during the days and evenings while going to school. After suffering a broken arm in 2007, I was a lost soul. As a result of my accident, I decided to change my major not once, but twice.

I met many interesting people while attending UCM, and one of them was a girl named Laurel. She was the one person who, even by my standards, looked like a dork when I first met her in one of my classes. Over time I had gotten to know her, and she and I would often carry on conversations before and after class.

I was only a part time cashier and I was still driving that 1993 Jeep. As Valentine’s Day was approaching, I began to get annoyed. Everywhere I looked, there would be some lovey dovey couple being oh so affectionate towards one another.

It was almost as if they were shoving it in everyone else’s collective face.

It really bothered me. The closer to the day, the more irked I became. When I clocked out the evening of Friday the 13th, I called her and asked one question.

“Would you like some chocolate?”

I was invited to see the newly released Friday the 13th in the theater with her friends. I accepted, and before the film started, I decided to have something to eat at Country Kitchen. I wasn’t about to watch a movie without having dinner.

Some may not have liked the newest Jason flick, but I enjoyed it.

The gift of chocolate was accepted, and I was promptly told that Warrensburg was going to issue a citation on my vehicle (it was a landfill on the inside). We said our goodbyes and I went back to my shithole of an apartment in Valley View.

Little did I know that things were about to get worse.

Fast forward to March 9th of that year. My day at work started off well enough. My mom visited me during one of my 15 minute breaks to give me a card. Shortly after that, things started going down the drain.

I still managed to treat myself to Country Kitchen during my lunch. It still wasn’t enough to stop the wave of negative emotions flowing through me. Towards the end of my shift, I was in tears.

I realized that in four years, I would be turning 30 years old, and that I was currently all alone. Up to that point, I had no relationship experience.

It was the most miserable birthday ever.

Fast forward to 2010 after still going through the issue of being lonely and desperate. I initially try to get myself out of this funk by being more physically active and eating better. Unfortunately, I was still in a dark and vulnerable position.

I then run into a group of people led by one who vicariously lived through other people.

The newfound friendship seemed amazing at first. My subconscious desperately tried to tell me that something wasn’t right with the person in question, yet I didn’t listen. He was younger than I was, yet he lectured me on how to live my life.

In the Spring semester of 2011, he mentions that I should meet somebody. He indicated that she was like me... “...lonely and desperate.” I would meet this person after the summer ended.

It turned out that as nice as she was, she was not very stable.

The once joyous connection I initially had disappeared in the middle of the semester. Still, I had bigger issues.  One of them involve one younger than me trying to mold me and define me.

In 2011, I finally made my decision to begin severing ties to this person. Trying to act as a father in his early twenties to somebody who was approaching 30 was insulting. It’s even more damaging when they say that you’re not the best writer out there, despite the fact that they’re talking to somebody who had received a creative writing award in elementary school, had a poem published as a young author, and was published on linux.com (before it was purchased by the Linux Foundation) and Muktware.

I don’t like being defined by others, let alone controlled.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was yet to come. I was resigned to the fact that I would be staying in Valley View that summer until I smelled something horrible as I went through the front door. No matter the cause, it was the catalyst to finding a new place to live.

For some reason, I found the place I wanted to live in and succeeded in getting it on the first attempt. The irony of it all is that the street’s name is Laurel.

This incredible miracle was followed up by the fact that I had help from my friends and family. A dear friend of mine even got an entertainment center out of the whole deal. Then came that moment where I decided that I’d had enough of the person in question.

I was on the verge of moving some of my belongings from my old place in Valley View to the new place on Laurel Street when he called.

He pitched a project idea to me about a book. It entailed a few guys sitting at a bar talking about the shit that women in their lives put them through. He even told me that I could include things about the same girl he introduced me to.

He also wanted to “inspect” the new living quarters.

OH!  HELL!  NO!

I text him the next morning declining participation in his project and also informing him that I needed a chance to settle into the new place first. With some help, I also came to realize that I allowed myself to be somebody else’s pawn.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to repair a couple of broken bridges. That’s the price of allowing myself to be manipulated by another.

The individual who lived through other people is no longer in my life. On Facebook, he is now blocked as is his core group of friends. It’s one thing to block people, but it’s another matter when you discover you’ve been blocked.

When I discovered this, I looked deep inside myself and came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter. When a person blocks another on Facebook or uses a similar feature on another website, they are saying that they do not wish to associate with another individual that they may deem problematic.

Believe it or not, I’m fine with that.

After all, it too acted as a catalyst for another decision that’s already been made. The closing of the proverbial door as indicated earlier. Before writing this, I only told a few people of this decision. There were some dissenting voices; one of them argued that I would only be hurting myself by following through.

I disagree, and I'm going to tell you why.

The Epiphany

Looking back on my entire life so far, I can finally understand why I felt the way I did when I turned 26. Subtract 20 from that age, and a crucial moment of my early years is revealed.

I almost died. Twice.

My digestive system clogged up. I got to know first hand what a backed up toilet felt like. I was literally drowning on the inside.

Fortunately for me, Children’s Mercy Hospital is the reason I’m still alive today. When I was admitted, so was my mom. She was there for me for the entire first duration when they inserted a tube through my nose and down my throat to drain my system of the junk that had been trapped inside.

She was also there when a tube was installed in my chest to aid in the draining of additional fluid. She was the one who took me back to the hospital when the tube itself became infected.

When that tube had to be removed, there was no time to put me under.

I apparently yelled every expletive in the book. Hours later, one of the nurses wanted to know if I was still mad at her. I almost lost my life twice, and mom was there to see to it that I survived.

The misery of my 26th birthday turned out to be a reflection of a portion of my childhood.

I realized at that point that I would be 30 soon enough. Even with mom’s resilience, there will be a day in which she is no longer on this planet. Whenever I had an issue with something, I would be able to talk to her.

The reality is that she won't be there forever.

This isn’t to say that my relationship with dad isn’t worthwhile. He too has been somebody I could turn to when I needed somebody to talk to and he's also helped out with some other major things in my life. Though he wasn’t always able to make it to the hospital when I was sick, I can't blame him.

He had a job to do and bills of his own that had to be paid. He visited whenever he could.

The simple fact of the matter is that I’ve been more connected to mom due to the fact that I’ve lived with her most of my entire life. She was the one that was near my hospital bed. It is what it is.

When the time comes for her passing, the impact will be tremendous. When the same occurs to dad, I will be devastated. Even when divorced, they still saw to it in their own way that my sister and I would do the right thing whenever possible.

Other than my sister, who will probably be further away from me sometime in the future (she’s married and has a life she’s quite fond of), there is no one else except friends.  When both parents are gone, that leaves nobody else, except perhaps friends.

That's what made me break down on my 26th birthday.  Now that I recognize that, I also understand something else.  I'm now doing better than I have been in a long time.

Not only am I actually taking better care of myself, I'm also getting that spark of inspiration back.  The problem with having a significant other in my life at the moment is that I'll become way too complacent. 

That isn’t to say I don’t know what it’s like.

The Relationship

I had a girlfriend in 2012. That relationship lasted four months and ended the moment I realized that she really, really wants to have kids, and I really, really don’t. She’s now dating somebody who is a much better match than I ever could have been.

When I cringed at a little kid crying at a high school reunion, she told me, “You better get used to it, ‘cuz if we’re together long enough and we get married, we’re having kids!” I felt myself shut down on the inside.

I don’t like being controlled by others, even if the other person means well.

I also couldn't deny the dream that she had since she was a child.  She wants a family of her own.  I wasn't the right person for her, especially since I became complacent.

After the relationship was under way, I stopped exercising.  Other ambitions of mine were going out the window.  Now I understand the whole point of WWE Superstar CM Punk saying to his group, The Straight Edge Society, that they should never be satisfied.

Beyond being a promo for a pro wrestling faction, the overall lesson to be learned is that when one is satisfied, they stop improving themselves and getting better.  Complacency has a price that is too steep for me at the moment.

Closing one Door, Opening Another

One of the defining moments of my early childhood was death. In a sense, one isn’t truly living if they don’t follow their dreams. I’m guessing that’s part of the reason mom told me to never settle.

I asked myself a difficult question a long time ago. It was initially a tough call, but sometimes the best ones aren’t simple. I basically asked myself, assuming that I couldn’t have both, if I wanted someone in my life or if I wanted to leave my mark on the world.

I’m choosing the latter.

For those arguing that I’m hurting myself by closing that door and barricading it, I’ll let you in on a secret. Whenever I attempted, no matter how intense or how meager, to pursue anybody, the one I would wind up hurting the most would be myself.

I disrespected the young college student’s decision to finish school before dating. Fortunately, they still talk to me on occasion. I’ve also made others uncomfortable when I never intended to do so.

Truth be told, I wasn’t really looking for a soulmate. I was looking for somebody who I could go to with my problems and have nothing but comfort when the chips were down; somebody who could be there just like my mom was.

That wasn’t right at all.

As selfish as it sounds, the only way that someone will be let in is if they do the following:

1. They rip away the barricades and break down the damn door.
2. They have something of substance between their ears.
3. Whatever I do in life, they’re going to have to come along for the ride.

It’s selfish. I acknowledge it and refuse to apologize for it. I’ve had the feeling for a long time that my life’s been on pause. It’s been all about work and going home, work and going home, work and going home.

I’ve only now started to interact with more people on a regular basis again. I’ve changed my eating habits and have been exercising more. I’m trying to transform myself into something better.

This time, it’s for all the right reasons as opposed to simply distracting myself from what I couldn’t have before.

When I was in a relationship, I became complacent.  I stopped working on projects that I wanted to do. The life lessons in question have made me stronger, and might I add, a bit wiser.

My 30th birthday will be a joyous occasion, because by then, I’ll be even more financially sound than before. By then, I’ll be on my way to paying off two credit cards.  If I can keep up this pace, I'll be able to take care of those three accounts.

Who knows.  I might be able to do more than that.

I have a plan for my life now.  I'm closing this door, for that ends one chapter of my life.  The new chapter begins now as I open another door and begin walking through it.