It's a Black Jack Kinda Night.

So here I am.  I decided to go ahead and do another blog post.  After neglecting this blog for several days at a time, why not?

I had some Chinese at King Chef in Warrensburg.  It has plenty of good food, and I got this nifty fortune.

I plan on keeping that in mind.  In the meantime, since I'm off tonight, I might as well have a little bit of fun.  At the moment, I'm chatting with friends on Facebook and IM in general while drinking some Jack Daniels Black Jack Cola.  All in all, I'm at peace and enjoying life at the moment.  :)

Life Ever Mysterious

It's been a while, hasn't it?  I really need to stop delaying my personal blogging, but I suppose I can't help it.  Sometimes life just gets in the way.  Here's what's been happening thus far.

The Election

This year, I was a congressional candidate.  Those of you who know me also realize that I'm a Libertarian at heart.  I subscribe more to the live and let live attitude than anything else.  That doesn't mean I'm perfect regarding the political party and philosophy, but I'm improving.  I'm still new at political activism.

Two years ago, I just wasn't ready to be involved in politics, yet I put myself out there.  I lost the primary by four votes, and I hardly did anything.  This year, I was initially unsure if I would run for office at all.  In the end, I ultimately decided to put myself out there again.  Once again, I ran for the U.S. House of Representatives in the Fourth Congressional District of Missouri.

This time, I was also involved in a contested primary.  Unlike two years ago, I managed to win in August.  I went to two candidate forums (one before the primary, and one after), did some media interviews, and was a bit more active overall.  While I did not win the election, I noticed that there is an upward trend when it comes to Libertarianism.  I managed to get over 10,000 votes, which isn't bad for being on the November ballot for the first time.

I can only imagine what might occur two years from now.

Work

I work retail, so Thanksgiving and Black Friday are naturally my two favorite days of the year.  Holiday pay plus angry shoppers wanting that TV that's going to break in less than a year (but it's only $150!).  Sarcasm aside, my legs have been giving me a bit of trouble as of late.  I finally realized that the multivitamin I was taking might have been wrecking me more than helping, so I simply stopped.  Ever since then, I've been able to move around more easily.

Getting adequate rest after getting home has also helped.

It will be worth it in the end though.  There's a small present that I have been eyeing for some time for myself.  ;)

Life in General

It's incredible.  At the beginning of the year, I stated that 2012 wasn't the end, but the beginning.  For me, that's been especially true.  Certain life experiences have taught me a lot, and for that, I am thankful.

Strange.  It's truly strange.

My life has been ever so mysterious.  From nearly dying at the age of six (while making medical history) to being who I am today, strange things have always been happening to me and around me.  While going forward, pieces of the past are always with me.

For example, the street I live on shares the same name as the lady that I fell for while in college.  While such a love affair wasn't meant to be, my current place of residence has this feeling of being a safe haven for me when I wasnt to simply be at home.

I feel safe and relaxed when I'm there, unlike my previous living arrangement that was mold infested.

When I realized that I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with the nice lady in question, I constructed an image in my mind to keep myself distracted.  I went on a quest of sorts to find a rare gem.

A raven haired beauty with eyes as blue as the ocean or sky.  While that never happened, I did manage to get myself into a four month relationship after being introduced by an acquaintance.   The diverging paths in our lives meant that it ended, but I did learn a few things along the way.

• Having a significant other in my life made me much happier.
• It is important to treat said significant other very well.
• It is equally as important to know what you don't want in a significant other.

The third bullet point was illustrated by the fact that the person in question wanted to start a family at some point while I did not.  Therefore, our lives were going in a different direction, thus making us incompatible in the end.

I never forgot about that quest for the rare gem so to speak though.  I've stopped that quest, but I have noticed that I've been looking women in the eye more often.  External beauty also doesn't have the impact that it once did on me.

There's still some obstacles in my life, but what fun would it be not to have them?  Still, I'm at peace at the moment.  Whatever happens, happens at this point.  I might post later today.  Or maybe not.  I haven't decided yet.

The Damndest Thing: A Retail Story

What? Another blog post? Is it a miracle? Actually, an event happened before lunch at work that I wanted to relay to my entire audience. So what happened?

Work started off uneventful enough. Registers were getting cleaned, impulse items were being organized, and I was busy doing what I could to stay awake. Weekends ending are always a struggle, but since when hasn't that been the case for a lot of this country's workforce? One sign that this was not going to be an ordinary night was the fact that since state tax on tobacco products was not being charged, we couldn't legally sell them.

The glitch has not been fixed as of yet.

Here's where things get weird. A red head comes through my line. I've seen her in the store and around town before. The conversation was strange to say the least.

Me: Long time no see.
Her: That's because I don't like you.
Me: Let me ring this stuff up as fast as I can so you won't have to deal with me.
Her: I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm prickly like that. I don't appreciate how.... (trails off)

One thing's for sure. I appreciated her honesty. Sometimes two people's personalities clash and they are better off not associating with one another. In that area, I will go above and beyond.

When I get home, said individual will be blocked on Facebook if they haven't blocked me first. That way, she won't have to deal with me ever again; at least not on that site.

To My Friends

Outside of family, friends are an important influence in one's life.  After all, how else are cool things such as Dr. Who and TNA Wrestling discovered other than stumbling upon them by accident?  Friends can show you things you've never even heard of.  They can also be a part of that extended family that cheers you on when you triumph and lends a sympathetic ear when you're not at your best.

In order to fully understand this blog post, you may want to read this one and this one.  Long story short, I was in a relationship with a wonderful lady for four months.  She wants to eventually settle down, get married, and start a family.  Since being a parent is not what I envisioned my future to be, I had to break it off.  Soon after, I made the one mistake that I'll hopefully never repeat.

I went back onto a couple of popular free dating sites to see if I could find that special someone.  I came up short.  I finally realized that the dating scene wasn't for me at all.  I need to work on me first and foremost before I began that ever elusive search for that special someone; that final corner piece to the jigsaw puzzle known as my life so to speak.

The Epiphany

A friend of mine treated me to lunch not too long ago.  He could tell that I was not in good spirits, so he used that opportunity to get me out of the apartment so he could lend a sympathetic ear over some good Chinese food (on a side note, if that "lady" working at King Chef ever yells at fellow workers in front of customers again, they may lose my business for a while... that happened yesterday).  It was a good start to my weekend, despite me being down in the dumps.

The next day, I woke up late that afternoon and decided to basically have the day to myself.  I went to Copper Coyote to see if their food was any good (it was).  I also treated myself to some Dairy Queen and watched The Amazing Spiderman in the local theater with another friend of mine.  I ended the night with a light meal and some Boone's Farm wine.

 When last Thursday rolled around, I had realized that I was screwing up in terms of searching for somebody new.  I was putting the cart before the horse so to speak.  Before dating again, I need to enjoy my life as I see fit.  There's some things I want to accomplish (like getting my website off the ground yet again).  An image shared by a friend on Facebook helped me to come to this realization that I was doing it all wrong.

In essence, my previous post was my way of saying that there was a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  In other words, I learned something about myself; a lesson I'll hopefully never forget.  If I do, there will be plenty of reminders.

Addressing Concerns

To the person who was concerned about me and whether I was being honest with myself or not, I thank you.  To all of my friends, thank you for being there for me.  I know many of us have new lives that prevent us from spending as much time with one another as we may want, but the fact that we can still reach each other is one of the coolest things of our time.  We have various social networks online we can use to talk to each other and share things with.

While I do appreciate any concerns about my own mental/emotional wellbeing, I would like to assure you of one thing.

I'm fine.

With me, time is a great method of healing.  I'm not talking about waiting things out per se.  Talking about something over and over again can only do so much in terms of moving on with one's life.  Sometimes doing something we enjoy can pass the time long enough that whatever has us frustrated leaves our system.  Granted, other obstacles and challenges will undoubtedly head my way.

It's a bridge that I'll cross when I encounter it.

Clearing Up Misconceptions

First of all, I am an emotional person.  Emotions and feelings are a big part of my life.  So statements like, "We all have our bad days." or "That's everybody." aren't quite true.  I've developed a thicker skin over the years, but there are days where things still get to me.  Allow me to explain.

I am the type of person who has this never ending struggle with myself.  Whether you want to blame it on a Zodiac-based superstition (I'm a Pisces by the way) or something else, it's something that's been a part of my life for a long time.  There is this duality in me.  Sometimes I'm in a very cheerful mood, and sometimes not so much.  When I'm up, I'm up.  When I'm down, hoo boy!  Fortunately life experience has taught me and continues to teach me how to effectively channel my emotions into something useful.

After all, if I'm at work, I need to be working instead of bursting into tears in front of co-workers and customers.  When I'm at home, I use the opportunity to recharge so to speak.  Sometimes it involves leaving the apartment on a night out to myself or staying in and hibernating in my bedroom.

Quite a few things with me involves a delayed reaction.  For example, if I get sick, I don't know it until I'm right in the middle of illness.  For that reason, if I have to have a hardcore debate with myself on whether or not to call in to work, I decide to call in to work.  There was a time when I thought, "I just didn't get enough sleep, so I'll just call in one time and get rested up."  It turned out that I was under the weather and wouldn't have realized it were it not for my mom telling me how the color had come back in my face after not working two nights in a row.

Speaking of delayed reactions, if I'm sad I can't always talk it out or power right on through.  It takes time for it to leave my system.  I would know because I have tried in the past to talk it out and power on through only for my own emotions to catch up with me later.  That's the way I am.  I can make minor adjustments and tweak things to where it works a bit better and is more convenient.  However, I have to deal with my own feelings as they come.

There's a reason they say that time heals all wounds.  I'll add the caveat that not all things are healed in time, though time passing can be an effective treatment.  It's not about waiting it out.  It's about knowing when I'm ready to move on.  Right now, I'm in a much better place mentally and emotionally.  I'm still in a recharge phase, but when that's done (and I have a feeling that it's coming very close to being done), watch out!  Good things are coming for me, because I'll be working for them.

Conclusion

I know some things written here may be taken the wrong way.  I understand.  The saying, "I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand." exists for a reason.  No, it doesn't mean the other person is stupid.  It means that we all interpret information differently.  A friend of mine took a previous blog post the wrong way and showed some concern.  I will appreciate that concern to the very end.  However, I'll be fine.  I've got things that I have to accomplish with a group of people who are fighting for the rights of people living in my county.  I also have a contested primary to win in August.  With that said, here we go!  XD

From the Dark Crevices Comes Clarity

For reasons I won't go into at this time, I was in a dark place.  Granted, it wasn't as bad as in the past, but the feeling sucked all the same.  In a previous entry, I wrote about leaving the dating scene.  Well, my mind has this issue known as a delayed reaction.  Everything caught up with me Sunday morning before I fell asleep.

A few tears came out of my eyes.  I was still able to go to work that night and survived into Monday morning.  Anticipating that I was in a dark place, my friend Jason offered to have lunch with me.  I told him I would let him know.  Upon trying to take a nap, I was met with more sadness.  Streams of tears came out of my eyes.  Apparently enough negativity was in my system that it was due for a flushing or face the threat of backing up (also known as a nervous breakdown).  Fortunately, I was in the flushing phase.

After having lunch at King Chef, I took my friend back home.  Due to the fact that I was not in a good place so to speak, lunch was on him.  He knew that I needed somebody to talk to, and talk to him I did. I also talked to my mom that day.  You see, I had picked one hell of a time to feel that way.  I was due at the city council meeting at 7 PM CST to request a response regarding a request to allow the citizens of Warrensburg to petition initiatives themselves instead of relying on election cycles to change the direction of the entire city.

Despite my realizing that feeling like there was nobody for me was a feeling that I loathed, I was able to pull myself together thanks to Jason and my mom so that I could speak to the city council.  On Tuesday, I enjoyed food at the Copper Cyote (that's what others get for complaining about their controversial sign), dessert at Dairy Queen, and watched the Amazing Spiderman.  I ended my night with a trip to Boone's Farm.

So apparently I've gotten to the point that the darkness inside of me is almost totally gone.  I saw the following image posted on a friend's Facebook timeline.  Read it below, because it will reveal what I've been looking for in a significant other all along.

After reading that image, I had an epiphany.  Someone to wake up next to, to eat breakfast (or other meal) with, etc.  Someone to share things with was vague as all let out.  What about something more specific?  Specific as in someone who completes me?  At the moment, I still feel like a puzzle that's only half way complete.  The other pieces are missing, and they are pieces that I can't find on my own.  Nobody can help me find them.  I have to let the pieces find me.  So what are they?

• Willingness to wake up next to me every day (or night depending on the situation), to eat together, play together, and live together.
• Acceptance of me as a person along with my acceptance of her (whomever that may turn out to be) as a person.
• Understanding that I have no intention of becoming a father; I do not want children.  If a potential other wants children, then it's not meant to be.

Combine those pieces with the text in the image above, and you'll have a more complete picture of what I am wanting in a soul mate.  I do believe that a soul mate exists for me, but I can't find one right now.  It's not my time yet.  I also can't keep doing this to myself regarding the dating scene.  Why?

Whether the other person gets annoyed, creeped out, or even hurt would pale in comparison to the fact that I usually hurt myself the most.  I'm tired of that feeling.  The good news is that I can truly begin to let go now and move on with my life.

Encounters of the Opposite Gender: A Life Decision Revealed.

I started writing something, then I stopped myself.  Why?  What was I so afraid of?  I was probably afraid that I was writing something totally inappropriate.  Still, I need to get another part of my past out of my system.  So if there are those who are offended, I do apologize.  Unfortunately I can't make everyone happy or prevent others from being upset.  I'm also not about to shell out big bucks for a therapist.  Why should I when I have one already?  I speak of the audience of this blog.

In The Beginning...

Growing up I never thought I would have a girlfriend, get married, or have children of my own.  I had little to no direction in my life and my mind felt like it was under this giant fog most of the time.  There was the lack of confidence, being made fun of by classmates (and picked on), and the overall feeling of uselessness.  I found computers to be my niche only after my sister took computer programming classes in high school.

So I take programming only to discover in the middle of the year that the teacher in question, Mr. Kinder, was going to retire.  To this day, I am still cordial to him.  However, I still don't appreciate what he did.  Spending too long away from a class that required software to be written sort of wrecked my enthusiasm to pick up programming ever again.  Then again, I discovered that I don't have the patience for it, so he may have done me a favor without me realizing it.

I discovered Technology Information Management, which actually was fun.  Mr. Boyles seemed to care about his students.  The director on the other hand didn't seem to want to let him or the other instructors at the vocational school do their jobs to their fullest potential.  This meant no special events, and no taking the A+ certification after the two year course was complete.  Despite any downsides to taking that course, I learned more than I ever thought possible.  Then I moved onto college.

Of course I liked looking at the various gaggles of girls throughout college.  I was male after all and I had my own share of hormones.  I was still under the impression that I wouldn't have a girlfriend or a significant other.  Things were about to change.

She Forced Herself Into the Elevator

I was taking an American Literature course when I first ran into her.  Well, that's not entirely true.  She ran into me.  I first noticed her in a pair of overalls and a white shirt that made her look like a dork, even for a guy like me.  I thought to myself, "What a weirdo!"  She was also in between cup sizes, so you know what that meant.  The bra straps refused to cooperate, so me with my hormones in control.... I took a look or two at her trying to get those blasted straps back into position.  When she looked my way, I simply turned my head and glanced out the window.

When class was over, I would normally put my headphones on and blast my iPod full blast before getting in the elevator of the Martin building.  I was normally in the mood just to be left alone in my thoughts.  I didn't want to talk to anybody else.  If somebody tried talking to me, I'd get annoyed.  Let me have my imagination and let me be!  Well, one day it happened....

I get in the elevator and pray for the door to shut in time.  Nope.  Her hand forced the doors back open as she declared victory for making it.  I knew she was going to strike up a conversation.  She did.  Whoever said that there is no such thing as a divine force with a sense of humor must have never had the experiences similar to what I've had.

Her name was Laurel, and she explained how her mom would also strike up random conversations at the store.  For some reason, she and I hit it off after that.  At least as far as friends were concerned.  We had just read one of Benjamin Franklin's writings, and she explained how she shared his stubbornness.  We soon became conversation partners before and after class.  Then for some reason, we did not have as much contact as we once did.

By then I had become curious.  What would it be like to date someone?  To go out with someone?  To have a girlfriend?  I kept looking at various girls, but for some reason my mind kept coming back to her.  One year, I was getting really irritated at those who were all lovey dovey during Valentines Day.  I then call her and ask, "Would you like some chocolate?"  She replied that she was about to watch the latest Jason movie that had come out, and asked if I wanted to watch it with her friends.  I had some dinner at Country Kitchen then joined them for the midnight showing.  After the movie, I handed her chocolates, and she thanked me for them (after joking that Warrensburg was about to write a few citations for my messy Jeep).

On my 26th birthday, things came to a head.  I was in tears at the end of my shift.  There I was.  26 and all alone.  That was the worst feeling that I've ever had.  The door greeter tried to assure me that I would find the one, but the comment that they found theirs after 40 didn't help matters much.  No matter what was going to happen for the next couple of years, a relationship between her and myself was not meant to be.  Now I understand that it was never meant to happen.

A True Leader

Kat was an awesome person from the get go.  Though ditzy at times, she had quite a bit of motivation and intelligence.  It also helped that she was very adorable.  She became president of the anime club at the college I went to.  It was because of her that the group became really, really awesome.  She took the club to new heights, and I was the treasurer at the time.

The gatherings we had were so much fun.  True to my male form, I developed a bit of a crush on her.  She was destined for bigger and better things though.  I will say that she never judged me whatsoever.  For that, I am grateful.  :)

A Couple of Dinners

Then there was Alexis.  She seemed pretty cool, and best of all, she laughed at my jokes.  We had Chinese at King Chef and on another day, food at Taco Bell.  Unfortunately, it also wasn't meant to be. She went her own way after not being able to continue her college education.

Alexandria

I was introduced to her by someone who was a social manipulator.  He vicariously lived through others, which was not good for him.  I developed feelings for her, but only because she led me on.  She was one of the first people who seemed genuinely interested in me.  A friend of mine told me that she had crazy written all over her.  I would learn that it wasn't meant to be due to attachment issues she had to someone else.

A Relationship Before 30

A friend on Facebook writes a message saying that they aren't good at this match making thing.  She thought of a friend of hers and she realized she deserved a nice guy in her life.  Heather and I became a couple soon after meeting.  Not bad for a dude who was going to turn 29 in March.  In June, it ended.  Why?  She wanted kids.  To this day, I still don't want kids.

The part about kids I know I was right about.  The things I want out of life wouldn't allow for it.  Regardless of age, screaming and crying kids put me on edge.  I don't like it.  She saw it coming and seemed to understand.  We're friends to this day.  :)

My Decision

Though I am a hopeless romantic, I've decided to stay single for the rest of my life.  I'm no longer actively looking for anybody.  The searching gets tiring after a while.  I'm still on dating sites, but I doubt I'll get lucky on any of them.  There isn't much about myself that I'm willing to compromise at the moment, so another relationship won't work out anyway.

Bachelor Once Again.

Four.  That number is so significant to me right now.  Why is that?  I'll let you guess for a moment.

Is it a reference to a certain faction in professional wrestling that became legendary?  Am I talking about the main elements in our own existence?  The corners of the globe?  Four is a significant number for me.

Four months.

That's how long my first relationship lasted.  That was a hell of run, but it was time for it to be finished. The lady friend's greatest dream was to be a mom.  Problem is, I don't want kids.  I'm not the parenting type.  Never have been.  Never will be.  She saw it coming too.

It was the high school reunion in Leeton, Missouri.  I brought her along with me.  I caught up a little bit with everyone, and things were going well until one of the kids started to cry.  Children crying grate on my nerves and put me edge.  I don't deal with it very well.

I described how I could cope in some instances when she said, "You better get used to it, 'cuz if we're together long enough and we get married, we're having kids!"  It felt it like I was shutting down on the inside.  I'm not mad at her for that.  I'm grateful that she woke me up.  For too long, I've been compromising who I was just so I could get into a relationship.  Thanks to meeting this person through a mutual friend, I understand fully.

I even told her that to her face.  Text messages and Facebook notifications were not appropriate in this instance.  I had to explain in person.  She understood.  She saw it coming.  She'll no doubt be a bit sad for some time.  Like I told her, "It's not the end of the world, but it is important."  Who am I to deny her the future that she wants?  If I don't want kids, then being with her as a significant other would have only hurt her and myself.

That, and I have my own future to worry about.  If another person comes along, I will be more up front in that category.  Chalk it up to another life lesson learned.  Now I can start moving on.

Oh and by the way, we're still friends.  :)