Bachelor Once Again.

Four.  That number is so significant to me right now.  Why is that?  I'll let you guess for a moment.

Is it a reference to a certain faction in professional wrestling that became legendary?  Am I talking about the main elements in our own existence?  The corners of the globe?  Four is a significant number for me.

Four months.

That's how long my first relationship lasted.  That was a hell of run, but it was time for it to be finished. The lady friend's greatest dream was to be a mom.  Problem is, I don't want kids.  I'm not the parenting type.  Never have been.  Never will be.  She saw it coming too.

It was the high school reunion in Leeton, Missouri.  I brought her along with me.  I caught up a little bit with everyone, and things were going well until one of the kids started to cry.  Children crying grate on my nerves and put me edge.  I don't deal with it very well.

I described how I could cope in some instances when she said, "You better get used to it, 'cuz if we're together long enough and we get married, we're having kids!"  It felt it like I was shutting down on the inside.  I'm not mad at her for that.  I'm grateful that she woke me up.  For too long, I've been compromising who I was just so I could get into a relationship.  Thanks to meeting this person through a mutual friend, I understand fully.

I even told her that to her face.  Text messages and Facebook notifications were not appropriate in this instance.  I had to explain in person.  She understood.  She saw it coming.  She'll no doubt be a bit sad for some time.  Like I told her, "It's not the end of the world, but it is important."  Who am I to deny her the future that she wants?  If I don't want kids, then being with her as a significant other would have only hurt her and myself.

That, and I have my own future to worry about.  If another person comes along, I will be more up front in that category.  Chalk it up to another life lesson learned.  Now I can start moving on.

Oh and by the way, we're still friends.  :)

One Change About to Occur

"You don't know what you want."  I've been told that on occasion.  Truth is, I've been indecisive at times.  What to eat?  What to wear?  Certain things day to day get me worked up, because I can't decide.  I just can't.  Today is different.  Not too long ago, I said I would be making some changes.  One of them was going to involve hurt feelings.

It's not because I'm going to be insensitive.  Sadness is going to occur for a little while, but this decision has to be made.  Sometimes there are moments that occur that remind one what they actually don't want out of life.  One of those moments occurred ten days ago.  Now I am sitting here typing this entry as I try to wake up so I can get some needed business taken care of beforehand.

I told a friend last night that I would be nervous as things draw near.  That was no lie.  Will there be a mutual understanding?  Or will emotions fly all over the place.  I don't know yet.  It's an area in life I'm not experienced with yet.  I will be in a matter of hours.  Right now, I just need to get some things done in order to pass the time.  When all is said and done, I will make sure I have a nice big dinner.  What I'll eat will depend on how this face to face moment goes.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  Not that it will be that bad, but I'm not expecting a walk in the park on this one.

Weekend's Over Wednesdays: The Transition.

I slept from about three in the afternoon yesterday until ten in the morning today.  What is it about headaches that make me tired all of a sudden?  I rearranged my room the way I wanted it, so now I'll be even more comfortable when I sleep.  I'm also going to be at a meeting tonight (yay) before work.  That is going to be oodles of fun.  In in a previous post, I also mentioned some changes coming down the line in my life.

I won't go into specifics until next week.  The reason for that is it's the type of things that has to happen in real life.  Sending a text message, posting on a blog, or messaging via instant messenger or social networking site isn't going to cut it when it comes to an important life decision.  I will say that I have to do what's right for me and that I can't keep doing something just to make others happy at this point.

It was one of those things where I wished I had it for so long that I didn't realize what I already had.  So next week, I have to get that personal part of my life taken care of.  After that, I'll be better able to focus on certain things in my life, such as the online magazine I'm supposed to be doing and that campaign I'm supposed to be doing.  What happened at the beginning of the year was one of the most wonderful things in my life.  However, I need to focus on my future and what is important to me.  No doubt it will be emotionally draining, but it has to be done.

On a lighter note, Dylan Avery has been busy rebranding himself.  Check him out while I go check on the dishes.  :)

Sunday Brief: Important Decisions

Went to my high school reunion. 10 years. It passed quickly and thanks to yesterday, I am thinking more about my future. I have important decisons to make. One of them may result in hurt feelings.

One person wants to go in one direction. The other another. I have a week to think on it. Suffice it to say, if I'm not open about this, it won't be fair to the other person. Until I make this decision, I won't be able to make the others. That is all.

Never Thought I'd Feel This Way

I feel the title of this post is quite adequate.  I mean, it's not like I knock back a few cold ones often after work.  After all, it's a bit of a challenge to do when working at night into the morning.  Then again, quite a few things went wrong that night.

• I was allowed to do a learning module at my place of work when I should have been allowed to do it that morning when it was slow instead of last night when I could have gotten some crucial things done that needed to be done.
• Two overnight cashiers being pulled to different departments leaving just three of us up front until after my lunch.... After my lunch, and another person's got done, it was just two of us up front.  Why?  Our glorious leader had to do a learning module or they would have been late.  The questions stumped them, and it took a support manager's assistance for them to pass.  That left two of us up front until well after 5 AM.
• A certain somebody decides not to come back from lunch so they can go to A-Kon down in Texas.  While I don't know the full story behind that, if I would have been asked to zone (or to organize and tidy up) the area they were working in, I would have been quite close to telling the supervisors in question where they could shove it.  Again, I don't know the full story, but suffice it to say, I managed to stay awake long enough for a ride down to Dallas for the anime convention in question.  Suffice it to say I'm glad I didn't go this year.
• Three "ladies" decide to use their EBT/SNAP benefits to go on a three cart grocery shopping spree, and promptly take their stuff to the register that's also the tobacco lane.  It was meant for only 20 items or less, and while there are occasions at night into the morning that exceptions are made, they were really pushing it.  I had to lure other customers who would have had to wait to a register on the other side of the store while watching self check at the same time.  Wanna talk about inconsiderate?  Let's talk about this for a moment.  Those three should have waited until 8 AM when more registers would have been opened, but noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!  They thought they could beat the crowds by being there that early.  Instead, they royally screwed over the customers and the staff where I work.  Thanks "ladies."  I really appreciate it.

So here I sit about to go to bed while getting this off my chest.  I can definitely see why people are fleeing retail like there's no tomorrow.  I mean, why work in an industry where corporate expects you to do 9,000 things at once while questioning why you weren't there for that one customer.  Here's a hint, idiots!  Why not let the people assigned to certain areas complete all the tasks for said areas instead of "borrowing" (i.e. stealing) them for other things.  That way, you can have more at once and will get the same amount of work done all across the board.  Oh wait!  That would make too much sense.  After all, pi$$ on the peons who are trying to get their work done.  No.  Go ahead and screw them and wonder why you keep losing people dip$hits!  But then again, you all wouldn't have to care, would you?  I've gotten to the point where I really can't trust anyone who happens to be a leader of any sort, not even the nice ones.

That's also why I wouldn't be surprised if you were the ones screwing over a friend of mine so he can't get a better job and escape your madness.  What?  Petty of me?  No, that would be most of you being quite petty.  After all, how dare that one worker stand up for their own spouse when they were being harassed by a male who acts like a good person and a joker when all they had done as of late was throw others under the bus.  I know the real reason why members of management have been leaving where I'm working for other areas.  They don't want to be held responsible.  I recognize that every member of management is responsible for the mess that the workplace in question is in right now.  At least one of them had the good sense to walk away from something that was dumped on them.  I'm not saying that person wasn't the leadership type.  It's kind of hard to be a leader when you're outnumbered by those who won't let you.  I would know.  I've been in a similar situation.

This isn't to say that things won't get better.  However, this is starting to really irritate me.  I have three more nights to go before I get 48 hours of reprieve (with me working graveyard, it hardly feels like two days though it technically is two days).  I'm just glad I've got holiday pay on this check and a bonus two weeks from that.  That is... if somebody doesn't find an excuse to get rid of me.  We shall see.  I'm starting to form an exit strategy for where I'm currently at.  Needless to say, I'm getting burned out on retail.

Memories and Life Lessons

The past... It always has a way of making me reflect on myself and others around me. In this personal post, I won't mention names. The people in question know who they are, and they can contact me if they have any concerns. Everyone else reading this will hopefully understand that I need to get a few things off my chest. Let's begin.

The lady who now works for the power company

I remember you from anime club. You seemed cool at first. I was even pleasantly surprised when I discovered that you worked in the lawn and garden department of my current place of employment. Graduating college and moving on is a concept that all of us embrace. However, I also remember the not so pleasant things about you.

Like when you interrupted me in the middle of my attempt to articulate and convey an argument, because you weren't comfortable with the subject matter. Yes, I fought back tears. Threatening to throw your money on the table at the eating establishment in Dallas and leaving hurt me on the inside.  I also remember how you removed me from your friends list on Facebook after you asked a question (possibly in jest) and me responding with a link that implied that you might need help. I asked about it, and you made some BS claim about cleaning up your list due to an old slow computer. I should have been clued in when you referred to a professor that I hold in high regard as a very deragatory term... one that feminists wouldn't care for.

Those you consider false friends.... Remember when you told them, "Well, you're more his friends anyway..."? I believe you said that to a couple of my friends as you were moving away after they indicated that they would like to remain in touch. I'm pretty sure that they didn't feel like a friend of yours after that. You left mega retail for a local job only to want something better later on.  You move away from the town that you've been a resident of for so many years in order to get to something that you feel may be more fulfilling.

Then you expect a couple of my friends to fawn all over you when you decide to "grace" them with your presence? Why no hugs? One of my friends in question is going through medical issues at the moment. A hug was the last thing they needed at the moment, especially when they are normally the type that only trusts their spouse when it comes to touching. Then again, talking to somebody as if they were a small child probably didn't help matters any either. You claiming to be nice is but a mere mask that you wear. The moment that someone calls you on it, you twist everything. I should have started seeing it a long time ago, but alas. I am naieve.

Thank you.

You showed me the difference between pretending to be kind to others and actually meaning it. You also reinforce my policy against removing any more friends from Facebook unless a conflict of interest would force me to do so. I would like to hear you out regarding your side of the story when it comes to somebody you broke up with, but I also remember the nonesense that you pulled on me a couple of times. I can't just forget about that.

Allow me to give some unsolicited advice. Tone it down on the drama, will you? Your ex has a life of their own now, where they're gainfully employed, engaged to one who he cares about (and one who returns those feelings from what I umderstand), and takes care of his lady's son as if he were his own. Now you're in a relationship with somebody else and from what little I could gather, you two seem to be quite happy. The ex has moved on. Why don't you do the same?

To the one who tried to act like my father

I will never forget your actions so long as I live. Yes, I opened up to my family and my friends about what happened during the final year and a half of college. You may attempt to claim that it was all a game publicly.  After all, that's what you told me to tell others in case the "big secret" got out.  Ironically, you did play a game, but it was with each person's life that you encountered. It was those games that caused a rift between people that could have been good friends. Perhaps one day, I will be able to repair some broken ties.

You obsessed over a girl that no longer wanted you to the point where you asked me to break into their e-mail account.  That was not cool.  Whether it was that or your intervention in January of 2011 that caused me to want to stay away from you, I will never know.  I do know what finally convinced me to do so.

Things had been going wrong with me last summer.  Not only did I not get to move in with a group of people that seemed almost like a family, but I was not to be a dear friend's new room mate.  I wanted to get out of that old apartment so badly.  Then it happened.  I had enough and decided to find a new place come hell or high water.  I found that new place on the first try.  The location and type of building was well suited to what I was looking for.  It was a Monday night in late August.

I had been moving things with the help of my mom.  Then you called pitching a project idea and wanting to "inspect" my new place.  The next morning, I drew the line.  I needed to settle in where I was at.  I also needed time to myself without being disrupted by your presence.  Around you, I started becoming something I didn't like.  I see that now.

It was a gentleman in Florida who once stated, "Be who you want to be, not what everyone else wants you to be."  I was losing my own identity to you and your so called mission to "help" people.  What about what I wanted in life?  What about my website?  My hopes?  My dreams?  They almost spiraled into nothing.  Almost.

The one who helped me was the one that told you that you needed to get your own life.  It was the same person who told you that it was not your place to tell me how to live my life.  I'm now rebuilding myself.  It'll take time, but I'll get there eventually.  I have made some progress, but there's always room for improvement.

The anime club's future may be uncertain at the moment.  However, the membership will now get to determine the direction they want to go and possibly move the group back to its original intent.  They will do just fine without your molding or mine.  It's their group after all, and they should do what they want to do.

With that said, you need to know one more thing.  I've heard about how others will never talk to you ever again as if they hate you or just "forget" about you.  I refuse to forget about you, because you are a part of life's many lessons for me to learn.  In short, I don't hate you.  I never will.

I may disagree with your past actions.  Hating you will get me nowhere.  The last time I checked, you were engaged to somebody you found to be special.  I hope it works out for you.  I also wish you the best of luck in finding a new job that you can be fulfilled at.  Finally, I wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors.  Living for yourself can be challenging, yet very rewarding.  Keep up the good work, and please... for God's sake... finish your website.

As for the individual who wanted a "country boy" instead of a real man...

You can run.  You can try to hide.  People in this town know you for what you are.  You looked at my friend and told him that he wasn't country enough for you.  You then shack up with somebody who is old enough to be your father.  You're still attempting to control my friend by using a small child as a weapon.  That isn't right.

The bad part is that you know what you're doing is wrong.  Yet you isolate yourself from other people, because you know they would disagree with what you're doing.  There are times in which I can be flexible when it comes to infidelity in a marriage.  This isn't one of them.

Your husband, unlike another friend of mine, did not have diabetes, schizophrenia, and bi-polar disorder at the same time.  He was quite sane, had his own identity, and was an overall good person.  He still is to this day.  Yet you chose to hide behind smoke screens and lurk around other peoples' profiles online.  Then you seek to control your current husband despite you two being separated.

As far as I'm concerned, he can date whoever he wants.  He can do whatever he wants so long as he doesn't harm others.  What difference does it make?  You two are separated.  If you can shack up with somebody who's nearly in their 40's, then my friend can live his own life thank you very much.  Ironically, I am thanking you.... for bringing a friend back into my life.

All that I ask in return is that you stop walling yourself off from other people, stop trying to control my friend, and be more mature about the situation.  If he wasn't what you wanted all along, then let it be.  For goodness sake, get out of that trailer you're in.  It's probably riddled with mold.  If you're worried about baby clothes, go to the clothes closet (south on 13, Variety Center).  It only costs a couple of bucks to get as many clothes as your son needs.  Stop wasting your money on brand new clothes when he's only going to outgrow them anyway.  Oh, and don't blindly follow WIC literature.  Instead, ask others who have actually raised children.  Save up your money and actually move somewhere that's decent.  It would only benefit your son after all.

To the ones who hated me last year

They say things come in threes.  Well, I'm being a nonconformist.  To the guy that was shaking in anger and frustration at me.  To the lady who was upset with me.  I am sorry.  I was a pawn in somebody else's game and I sincerely hope you weren't their pawn as well.  I see that one of you is now president of the anime club.  Congratulations.  I hope it turns out well.  I may not be able to attend most meetings this fall, because it's an election year.  However, know that I am stockpiling some anime (Central Pawn and Muttly's has an interesting selection).  In other words, I'm rediscovering anime itself.  Also know that I am no longer a part of a certain circle that resides on the other side of this state.  It's been several months since I last spoke to the person in question.  I wish you the best of luck.

Conclusion

I have my own life now.  Thanks to all the above and more, I am learning more than a textbook can ever teach me.  For that, I am grateful.  I will continue to be as such while I am defining myself the only way I know how.  I'm truly looking forward to my 30th next year.  Thanks for reading.

Rainy Day on Friday

Since the car wouldn't start again, I got a ride into work again. The weather this morning didn't allow me to walk home, so a coworker gave me a ride home.

On the way home, we stopped at Country Kitchen and had a great time. After that, I arrived home. I set my portable computer back up for mining bitcoins. The dishes were cleaned. Now it's time for bed. Later, world.