I started writing something, then I stopped myself. Why? What was I so afraid of? I was probably afraid that I was writing something totally inappropriate. Still, I need to get another part of my past out of my system. So if there are those who are offended, I do apologize. Unfortunately I can't make everyone happy or prevent others from being upset. I'm also not about to shell out big bucks for a therapist. Why should I when I have one already? I speak of the audience of this blog.
In The Beginning...
Growing up I never thought I would have a girlfriend, get married, or have children of my own. I had little to no direction in my life and my mind felt like it was under this giant fog most of the time. There was the lack of confidence, being made fun of by classmates (and picked on), and the overall feeling of uselessness. I found computers to be my niche only after my sister took computer programming classes in high school.
So I take programming only to discover in the middle of the year that the teacher in question, Mr. Kinder, was going to retire. To this day, I am still cordial to him. However, I still don't appreciate what he did. Spending too long away from a class that required software to be written sort of wrecked my enthusiasm to pick up programming ever again. Then again, I discovered that I don't have the patience for it, so he may have done me a favor without me realizing it.
I discovered Technology Information Management, which actually was fun. Mr. Boyles seemed to care about his students. The director on the other hand didn't seem to want to let him or the other instructors at the vocational school do their jobs to their fullest potential. This meant no special events, and no taking the A+ certification after the two year course was complete. Despite any downsides to taking that course, I learned more than I ever thought possible. Then I moved onto college.
Of course I liked looking at the various gaggles of girls throughout college. I was male after all and I had my own share of hormones. I was still under the impression that I wouldn't have a girlfriend or a significant other. Things were about to change.
She Forced Herself Into the Elevator
I was taking an American Literature course when I first ran into her. Well, that's not entirely true. She ran into me. I first noticed her in a pair of overalls and a white shirt that made her look like a dork, even for a guy like me. I thought to myself, "What a weirdo!" She was also in between cup sizes, so you know what that meant. The bra straps refused to cooperate, so me with my hormones in control.... I took a look or two at her trying to get those blasted straps back into position. When she looked my way, I simply turned my head and glanced out the window.
When class was over, I would normally put my headphones on and blast my iPod full blast before getting in the elevator of the Martin building. I was normally in the mood just to be left alone in my thoughts. I didn't want to talk to anybody else. If somebody tried talking to me, I'd get annoyed. Let me have my imagination and let me be! Well, one day it happened....
I get in the elevator and pray for the door to shut in time. Nope. Her hand forced the doors back open as she declared victory for making it. I knew she was going to strike up a conversation. She did. Whoever said that there is no such thing as a divine force with a sense of humor must have never had the experiences similar to what I've had.
Her name was Laurel, and she explained how her mom would also strike up random conversations at the store. For some reason, she and I hit it off after that. At least as far as friends were concerned. We had just read one of Benjamin Franklin's writings, and she explained how she shared his stubbornness. We soon became conversation partners before and after class. Then for some reason, we did not have as much contact as we once did.
By then I had become curious. What would it be like to date someone? To go out with someone? To have a girlfriend? I kept looking at various girls, but for some reason my mind kept coming back to her. One year, I was getting really irritated at those who were all lovey dovey during Valentines Day. I then call her and ask, "Would you like some chocolate?" She replied that she was about to watch the latest Jason movie that had come out, and asked if I wanted to watch it with her friends. I had some dinner at Country Kitchen then joined them for the midnight showing. After the movie, I handed her chocolates, and she thanked me for them (after joking that Warrensburg was about to write a few citations for my messy Jeep).
On my 26th birthday, things came to a head. I was in tears at the end of my shift. There I was. 26 and all alone. That was the worst feeling that I've ever had. The door greeter tried to assure me that I would find the one, but the comment that they found theirs after 40 didn't help matters much. No matter what was going to happen for the next couple of years, a relationship between her and myself was not meant to be. Now I understand that it was never meant to happen.
A True Leader
Kat was an awesome person from the get go. Though ditzy at times, she had quite a bit of motivation and intelligence. It also helped that she was very adorable. She became president of the anime club at the college I went to. It was because of her that the group became really, really awesome. She took the club to new heights, and I was the treasurer at the time.
The gatherings we had were so much fun. True to my male form, I developed a bit of a crush on her. She was destined for bigger and better things though. I will say that she never judged me whatsoever. For that, I am grateful. :)
A Couple of Dinners
Then there was Alexis. She seemed pretty cool, and best of all, she laughed at my jokes. We had Chinese at King Chef and on another day, food at Taco Bell. Unfortunately, it also wasn't meant to be. She went her own way after not being able to continue her college education.
Alexandria
I was introduced to her by someone who was a social manipulator. He vicariously lived through others, which was not good for him. I developed feelings for her, but only because she led me on. She was one of the first people who seemed genuinely interested in me. A friend of mine told me that she had crazy written all over her. I would learn that it wasn't meant to be due to attachment issues she had to someone else.
A Relationship Before 30
A friend on Facebook writes a message saying that they aren't good at this match making thing. She thought of a friend of hers and she realized she deserved a nice guy in her life. Heather and I became a couple soon after meeting. Not bad for a dude who was going to turn 29 in March. In June, it ended. Why? She wanted kids. To this day, I still don't want kids.
The part about kids I know I was right about. The things I want out of life wouldn't allow for it. Regardless of age, screaming and crying kids put me on edge. I don't like it. She saw it coming and seemed to understand. We're friends to this day. :)
My Decision
Though I am a hopeless romantic, I've decided to stay single for the rest of my life. I'm no longer actively looking for anybody. The searching gets tiring after a while. I'm still on dating sites, but I doubt I'll get lucky on any of them. There isn't much about myself that I'm willing to compromise at the moment, so another relationship won't work out anyway.
