A 2012 Retrospective

I took a break from blogging due to the holiday sales season.  It's amazing how draining it can be even when one knows what's coming.  Then again, Christmas isn't quite the same for me at 29 as it was in years prior.

As a child on December 25th, I would be excited about the gifts that I would possibly be receiving as well as giving gifts to others.  Even when I was sick, I saw to it that I didn't miss that day.  That was years ago.  This year, I'm staying in.

Retail tends to do that to some such as myself.  After tending to the needs and desires of other people for the past several days, I decided to spend the day decompressing.  Part of it shall involve some self reflection.

To say that 2012 was an interesting year would be an understatement.

The Beginning

 It was one of those things that I did not expect.  First I meet a friend's wonderful sister for lunch at King Chef Buffet in Warrensburg.  Her name was Emily.  We have a nice conversation, and then hang out with my friend for a while before I have to take a nap.  It was unfortunate that it wasn't on my day off, so I had to go back and get some sleep before work.

Then something else happened.

I had also been introduced to somebody else online by an acquaintance.  Soon after, I began to text this person (after her friend insisted that they ask me to do so).  I made a reference to Austin Powers and that amused her.

Her name was Heather, and after hanging out a couple of weeks in a row, we began our romantic relationship.  It wound up lasting for four months.  Unless she was watching her niece, Tuesdays would be our day.  I met her family, and she eventually met my mom.

The relationship lasts four months.  At the beginning of June, I go to my high school reunion.  I took her with me and we had a great time.  The moment that caused me to realize that I wasn't the right person for her was when one of my fellow graduates offspring starts crying.

As I'm describing how in another situation, I could simply drown it out with headphones, they interject that I better get used to it.  The declaration was made that if we were together long enough and we got married, we would be having children.

It was at that moment that I began to shut down on the inside.  It was not a good feeling.  I did not communicate with her at all during my lunch hour that night at work.  What else could I do?  I had no idea what to say after all of that.

So I did some research online.  There were varying answers, but one in particular appeared over and over again.  When it comes to children, it's important to be up front and honest.  It should not be something to be compromised on.

That was exactly how I felt.  As unpleasant as it was, I realized I could not deny somebody of a dream they had since they were a small child, especially if it turns out that I'm sterile.  One of these days, I'll be tested to make sure.  Suffice it to say, because of the amount of steroids put into my system at the age of six due to surgery that I had, it's a possibility.

I explained to her in person that the relationship was not meant to be due to the fact that her choice in life and mine were not intertwined.  Who am I to deny somebody else their dream?  Fortunately, she is now with the right person.

I soon did something that in retrospect, I shouldn't have done.  I went back to the dating sites and looked for the right person.  The problem is that I am not good at looking for somebody significant in my life, and I never will be.  I also should have clarified that I don't hate children.  I simply don't want to bring any into this world, a point I will expand on soon enough.

Political Aspirations

For the second time around, I ran for Congress.  As in U.S. Congress.  I ran in Missouri's Fourth District, because that's where I live.  For those who haven't figured it out by now, I am a Libertarian.

For those wanting to know where they actually stand on the political map, this quiz can be very helpful.

Since there was another person running for the same position under the same party, a primary was required to determine who would be on November's ballot.  I won the primary, and my opponent messaged my fan page and typed in all caps.

Election years, especially major ones, brings out all sorts of interesting people.

I managed to get over 10,000 votes in November, which was more than the previous candidate in 2010.  Libertarianism is on an upward trend.  I'm beginning to see more and more people getting tired of the status quo.

I'm also learning that I have more influence than I initially realized.

End of the Year Drama

The good news: I was able to get myself a Samsung Galaxy S2.  It has a better camera on it for pictures as well as faster hardware.  I had to sell a computer in order to buy it, but it was a machine that I no longer wanted to use.

Ubuntu 12.04 and hybrid graphics aren't exactly like peanut butter and jelly.

There was some minor drama in the geek circle.  Tony Harris created quite a bit of a stir by posting a private Facebook status update decrying the issue of "fake geek girls."  What followed was mindless group think.

Because of what he posted, people thought that he hated women and objectified them via comic book art.  No research was done into the work he has done.  If anyone had, they would have discovered that he doesn't objectify women in his work or exaggerate their proportions (and that he outright refuses to do so).

More importantly, Harris wasn't the first one to come up with such a rant regarding "fake geeks" in the first place.  Before Tony Harris, there was Maddox.  Granted, his whole purpose is stir people up, but still... where were all the so called "feminists" when he declared that being a geek or nerd wasn't sexy?

For those who wonder if posers do exist in the geek/nerd realm, look no further than Mike Ramirez.  As a columnist for Expert Comics, he has personally witnessed poserism at its finest.

What have they referred to con goers as?

• “all ugly guys with no lives”
• “weirdo nerds”
• “unbathed geeks”
• “creepy guys who smell bad but maybe I can get a modeling gig”
•  “gross little cretins but maybe they won’t ALL be nerds”

 Now granted, at some conventions there have been issues where people are so engaged in things that they forget to shower and sleep every once and a while.  At A-Kon for example, they often encourage people to get enough rest and to actually bathe to avoid "con-funk."

What Ramirez points out is that there are those who are willing to step on others in order to get further in life, even if only for a brief moment.  He also points out that there is a deeper issue; the corporatization of comic books in general.

Think about it for one moment.  Disney now owns Marvel and Time Warner owns D.C.  When was the last time you heard of an independent title taking the world by storm?  The closest thing I can think of is CrossGen Comics, and they went out of business due to financial issues.

...and now Disney owns their assets.

I'm quite thankful that Ramirez was able to fairly look at the situation and realize a deeper issue instead of going along the lines of mindless group think.  The only reason I defended Harris on my blog was because of the disproportionate amount of people who echoed the sentiment of him being a woman hater.

Even more mindless group think came as a result of the recent shootings in Connecticut.  I took my time commenting directly on the event.  Instead, I shared certain images on Facebook hoping that others would get what I was trying to do.

I was trying to get people to think outside the box instead of being dominated by their emotions and corporate controlled media.  One of the images showed the Connecticut and Colorado shooter side by side.  One of the arguments made was that both their fathers were witnesses in a scandal.

Whether true or not, the point was that corporate controlled media was all too willing to talk about the lost lives, the grieving family members, and oh yes... gun control.... When it came to other things just as newsworthy, it was swept under the rug and practically ignored.

I personally choose not to own firearms, but that was my choice.  Everybody in my view should have the choice on whether or not they should own firearms or any weapons for that matter.  Banning a certain type of weapon will only cause the creation of more weapons.

We don't have a weapons problem.  We have a people problem.

The two examples of mindless group think is what has solidified my position on not having any children of my own.  For starters, I don't have the patience for screaming crying babies and toddlers.  It's like nails on a chalk board to me.

Furthermore, I am noticing more and more people wanting to go along with the crowd instead of choosing their own path.  Societal pressure tends to do that.  That's also why I'm no longer on dating sites.  I realized that I was caving into that same pressure.

In a society where loss of virginity is mentioned on a regular basis, I can still say that I am a virgin at 29 years of age.  The probability of me still being one when I turn 30 is very high.  When it comes to a "soul mate," I am no longer in any hurry.

After all, I want to spend time being myself and enjoying what I have in life.

Conclusion and Upcoming Projects

 I've changed this year.  At the beginning of 2012, I argued that it was the end, but the beginning of something new.  I've been at the same company for six years and will probably make the seven year mark barring extreme circumstances (good or bad).

I'm applying a go with the flow type of attitude to my life and so far it seems to be working.  I've also listened to my body a bit more than I have been in the past.  I finally bought some new shoes, and in 2013 I may invest in a couple of more so I can rotate them in the hopes that they will all last longer.

I'm also assisting an independent film maker with a website.  Their film is complete.  They just need a web presence.  I also want to work on my website some more.  If I can learn Drupal, I can become more versatile.

I also wish to be more successful in what I do in life.  That will mean more discipline and hard (and smart) work.  For now though, I am grateful for all the things I have in life at the moment.  There is no telling what tomorrow or the new year will bring.

The one thing that is for certain is that it won't be boring.  ;)

Catching Up From Yesterday

I did quite a bit of relaxing yesterday after a long week of work.  I'm sure everybody's been through the same experience as I just went through.  That's why I skipped posting yesterday.

To make up for it, I'll try posting two entries today.

It seems like my so called "weekends" are just wasted anymore.  There have been some exceptions as of late, and for that I am thankful.  It seems that I spend more time during my nights off recovering from the previous week of work.

Perhaps I was in "Friday Mode" when I went in Sunday night.  Or perhaps something else was going on.  That something else that's hard to explain.  I'm certain others have gone through this at least once in their life.

I just kept getting irritated and frustrated.

I'm fully aware that December is really busy.  I still thought I could achieve what I wanted to in order to feel accomplished.  That meant cleaning what needed to be cleaned as quickly as possible while everything else that was assigned was finished.

The impulse merchandise was put away, but the red totes had to be sorted through.  These red totes come in and contains merchandise from various departments, including candy for the cash registers.

It seemed like I kept getting interrupted by customers.  I just wanted to make it through the shift.  After my final break, I was pulled from the front end to zone frozen.

Oh.  Joy.

At least I wasn't abandoned this time.  More good news came from HR as there was a time clock issue (it kept claiming that I was missing a clock out time from Saturday morning) that they were able to help me fix.  If punches aren't fixed in a very particular manner, an error is still shown on the time clock when a punch is made.

Still, I was quite frustrated with life in general at that particular moment.  I just wanted to clock out and start my 48 hours of freedom.  I did manage to give a couple of friends a ride away from work, and that made all the difference.

Oh, and I wished my sister a happy birthday and talked with Robert Bird, a friend of mine who is also a fellow associate from another store.  I relaxed by having some food and some "stress tonics."  Soon after that, I fell asleep.

At this moment, I'm washing dishes in the dishwasher and am about to get a shower.  From there, I'll figure it out.  Have a wonderful day, everyone.  :)

Sunday Sendoff: Hot Pocket Kinda Day

Work was draining, yet enjoyable. I dealt with a tax exempt transaction that was over $700 USD. 'tis the season for charitable giving.

Lots of clothing and some good items were included in the transaction. It does my heart good knowing that people are willing to go out of their way to help other people who are down on their luck. It sort of reminds me of a few years ago a kind gentleman paid for another customer's merchandise when they weren't able to.

After lunch, I ran some candy and celebration freight. When I put everything away, I went on my final 15 minute break. I helped zone features and end caps after it was over.

When I clocked out, I was craving Hot Pockets, so I bought some. Now I am eating them and relaxing before I go to bed. :)

Not Cooking Today

It was a long night at work. Needless to say, I am not preparing any good for myself. I went to Wendy's and ordered some cheesy cheddar burgers at 7:30 in the morning.

Other burger places serve breakfast only until about 10 or 11:00 AM. That is why I a fan of Wendy's.

Friday Quicky

As I am about to fall asleep, I want to take a moment to say how grateful I am for what I have. I have been quite content with my life as of late. No matter what happens or continues to happen I will always get through it. This must be why I am truly happy to be where I am at.

Now that I have a mobile device and a data plan that seems to be satisfactory, I will aim to replace my ZaReason Breeze 3110 with another AND based system. For now, I shall simply go to sleep.

A Present To Me

Well, I did it. I bought the Samsung Galaxy S2. I now have a phone with enough power to do what I want to do. The old SIM card is in the new phone and.everything is up and running.

I also paid some bills today. The good news is that my car insurance is taken care of for the remainder of the year. That will leave an extra $60 or more in my pocket each month (until February of next year).

So now I shall keep this post brief and go to bed. I am getting sleepy. :)

Weekend's Over Wednesday: Mmmm, Pizza!

While the weekend is technically over for me, I still feel excited.  That's because I'll be selling somebody a computer that I don't use anymore.  In turn, I'll be able to purchase the Samsung Galaxy S2.

Exciting times indeed.

Monday was no less exciting though.  I got to spend time with good company and excellent food.

Home made pizza.  :)

Dinner involved a variety of home made, home baked pizzas.  Of course, they weren't the traditional round pies, but they were still delicious.  There was bacon cheeseburger, pepperoni and pineapple, and even desert pizza.  My friend De Lena has a wonderful philosophy when it comes to cooking.

1. Use real butter.
2. When in doubt, add more butter.

The meats were turkey based too, so I had no issues with eating at least one of each variety (I don't eat pork).  The company was fantastic as well.  We shared jokes and had a grand time conversing with one another.

Cora and De Lena (De Lena's the one wearing the jacket)

 I stayed there until the early hours of Tuesday morning.  I slept for a bit, then I woke up.  After spending some time in the apartment, I decided to do some laundry and have some McDonalds (yeah I know... bad for me, but it tastes sooooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooooooooooddddddddddd!).

When all was said and done, I gathered my clean clothes and came home.  The rest of the night was spent blogging about controversy that was generated by a Facebook post.  Hopefully yesterday's post will add more balance to the dialogue at hand regarding fandom of any sort.  Only time will tell.

For now, I'm wanting to relax for a little bit, and eventually go back to bed since I have to work tonight.

A Rebelious Put-Off.

I skipped posting yesterday, because I was hanging out with a few good friends for dinner.  I had a wonderful time and got to meet a couple of cool people.  I'll talk more about that another day.

What I would like to discuss today is something that I've seen over and over again.  It's a mixture of rebels being put off by success in conjunction with infighting and accusations of one of the varying forms of bigotry.

Unfortunately, this horrible concoction has found its way into the nerd and geek realms.

Before I begin, it should be noted that context is very important in fully understanding a situation.  Emotions flew all over the place regarding a personal Facebook post on the part of Tony Harris, who has been a part of the comic book industry for over 20 years.  Here it is:

Click the image for a larger version on The Daily What.

The published screenshot created controversy, and one of the most well known video responses is as follows:

Of course, there are other responses as well.  The one thing that many of these responses had in common was the accusations of sexism and how one shouldn't deem a female to not be a real geek and/or nerd.

I couldn't agree more.

However, what happened was that emotions overwhelmed the part of the mind that is thoughtful and reasonable.  It happens to each and every one of us when it comes to a subject that touches are hearts.  After all, we're human and prone to this sort of thing.

What I am about to do is to ask you, the reader, to do something that could be potentially challenging (or even difficult) depending on your individual situation.

After reading the entire quote from the screen-cap posted at the beginning and watching the entire video, I would like for you to take a step back, take a few deep breaths, and set your emotions aside for a moment.

It's time to start thinking.

While it is most understandable that women throughout history have been discriminated against, manipulated, and abused, there are times when certain actions are misconstrued as being such when the intent of those actions are entirely different.

Let's begin by asking the question; What was the intent of Tony Harris, a veteran of the comic book industry when he ranted on his own personal Facebook?  Was he hanging up a "no girls allowed" sign, or was he speaking out against something else entirely?

Let's go through what he wrote, shall we?

He opines that he's going to say something without caring what everyone else thinks.  It's his opinion after all, and as individuals, we are all entitled to ours.  He goes on to say that there are some women who cosplay at conventions who are actually into the comic books that the characters come from in the first place.

In other words, he doesn't have an issue with them.  What he writes next is what gets him in some hot water.  He goes on to say that there are too many women who dress up as some of the most popular characters without having ever read the comic books themselves, let alone know anything about them.

I can see where he would be called sexist on that.  However, middle of his rant, he does note that it was based on what has happened around him at his booth at various conventions.

To be fair, there has been various shenanigans that have occurred at various conventions, whether it be of the pro-wrestling, science fiction, comic book, or anime type.  There are going to be things that are irritating, no matter what.

I would know as I have experienced it once when I was dressed up as the Millenium Earl at Naka-Kon one year.  I was essentially criticized for wearing a mostly pre-made costume instead of putting it together myself.  Personally, I didn't care.  Elitists are everywhere, and there's nothing that can be done about that.

The problem is that someone speaking out against something that annoys them is often confused with being elitist.  In a manner similar to night shift workers at a retail outlet not feeling appreciated when members of management and people from the day are covered in a magazine while they're left out, Harris argues that without the comic book artists and writers, the books themselves would not exist in the first place, there would be no following, and no conventions to speak of.

So again, is he really sexist or is something else going on?

It is often said that a rebel is often put off by their own success.  After all, becoming mainstream would mean that they are no longer a rebel, hence their cause is now obsolete.  The only option left is to either find a new cause or become irrelevant.

So let's revisit the question.  Was he being sexist?  Does he hate women cosplayers?  Does he hate cosplayers at all?

Well, no, as B. Clay Moore on Twitter points out.  For further consideration, here are a couple of comments from the Comics Beat website:

The first comment has some offending parts, such as not being a nerd if one is now just enjoying something.  To be honest, I have collected some comic books, but I don't do so anymore.  I have a couple, but that's about it.  For that reason, I don't refer to myself as a comic book nerd.

My interests are in computers and the software that's on their hard drives.  I know full well that the Captain America movie did not follow the comic book series as much as some would have liked.  That didn't stop me from enjoying it.  The same thing with the Amazing Spiderman movie.

And therein lies the problem.

More and more people know about Captain America, Spiderman, and other comic book characters because of the movies that have been in theaters.  I'm fairly confident in saying that a significant portion of the audience of said films more than likely did not read any of the comic books beforehand.

In a sense, Hollywood has made the characters from those books very popular, yet in a sense watered down to the point where most people will never hear of a Tony Harris, J. Michael Straczynski, or John Romita Jr, because they never read the comic books in the first place.  That doesn't mean those who enjoyed the movies are bad for only watching the movies.

It simply means they aren't comic book geeks or nerds, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It appears to me that what Harris was speaking out against was a form of mindless group think.  If something looks cool, hip, and "in," there are those who will make themselves appear to be a part of that something, even if that isn't who they are.

It's known as being a pretender, and sadly, they exist no matter the genre.  Those who pretend to be something they are not are often not comfortable with who they really are.  To be fair, there is no way to tell what the thoughts of every single cosplayer out there happens to be.  Only the cosplayer knows.

And to continue to add balance to this discussion, there are those who just think the costume of a character is really cool, so they dress up as that character.  Nothing more, nothing less.  There's nothing wrong with that.  However, I can see how it can be irritating when cameras from corporate controlled media are surrounding that person instead of the writers and artists behind the comic book series in which the character came from.

In other words, the creation of fiction has been taken for granted, and much to the chagrin of some, it is important to recognize that those who created the characters, drew the characters, and wrote stories surrounding the characters are individuals with feelings too.

Notice how I didn't refer to male or female in the last few sentences.  I said individual.  Before I explain why I did so, here is what Joe The Peacock had to say on the matter at hand:

"Tony has spent his nearly 25 years in comics innovating and creating some incredible properties, characters, art and culture. One major aspect of Tony's art: he's one of the very few male artists in mainstream (superhero) comics who has ever outright refused to draw idealized / fetishized / objectified women in his work."

 Seeing as how Tony is a friend of Joe's, it's a safe bet that he knows him well enough to be able to make such a statement at all.  What did the individual in the video accuse Harris of doing?  Objectifying women.  Also consider the following:

"Have you ever vented in the spur of the moment, something you wish you'd taken some time to really think out? Have you ever used Facebook as a catharsis for a burst of emotion? Have you ever felt your logical side peek out and say "Hey now, you know that's not what you really feel..." only to have your emotional side say "YEAH BUT IT FELT REALLY GOOD TO SAY!"

Ever regretted it? Not that you felt it or how you think, but how you said it?

Maybe consider that when you realize that this is what happened here, but instead of a bunch of comments and unfriending, the guy was put on an international stage across tons of blogs and Tumblr pages and news feeds and Twitter and cannot possibly respond to the volume of feedback (which has, as it did with me, coalesced into a tide of "You're EVIL!") much less reflect, explain or, if he wanted to, apologize?"

 No matter what, words are going to get taken out of context.  Emotions that aren't kept in check play a role in that.  Trolls will appear in order to stir the pot.  That's what trolls do.  The cycle keeps going until the latest thing happens that either gets the masses enthusiastic, angry, or both.

To imply that those who say the things that Harris said are no better than the bullies slamming kids into lockers.  As someone who has been bullied in school growing up, I find such a notion insulting.  Harris has essentially been accused of committing a thought crime.

Did Harris generalize?  Yes.  Is he the only individual who has done so?  No.  There is a reason why in various forms of the New Testament, the phrase, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." exists (male oriented, but it's a male oriented religious text we're talking about).  It's the same reason that the theme of the pot calling the kettle black exists.  In other words, to a degree, we are all hypocrites.

Perhaps before pointing fingers at somebody else, we should all, as individuals, look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, "How can I be better today than I was yesterday?"  Nobody is perfect.  We are all human.

Too much political correctness is often the death knell of any given community.  Harris was not speaking about all women who dressed up in costumes, but about a few he has encountered.  While he doesn't speak for an entire community, neither does the individual in the video nor any other blogger who has spoken and will continue to speak on the matter at hand.

In my opinion, it was not about "protecting something from others," but about pointing out how something has become watered down because less and less people are reading the comic books, reading up on the history of the characters and series, and appreciating who brought the product into existence in the first place.

To drive the point home, both males and females are responsible for the wonderful comics that have existed over the years.

To sum up, I share the same views as the kid in one of the Mighty Ducks movies who didn't care about politics between schools and simply wanted to play hockey.  I just want to enjoy the occasional comic book (I do plan on getting some more of them at some point, even if it's only digital), watch the occasional movie, play some video games, play on the computer and the Internet.

I just want to have fun and enjoy my life.  With that, my opinion has been shared.  You the reader are free to do the same.

Sunday Send Off: Plans for the Week.

Tonight is my "Friday."  In other words, I have Monday and Tuesday nights off.  I'm really looking forward to 7 AM Monday morning.  As I sit here consuming the remainder of my Woodchucks and relaxing, I couldn't help but plan for the week.  Of course things are somewhat tentative, and might change depending on the situation, so I'll have to adjust accordingly.

 Needless to say, I'm thinking that this week is going to be interesting to say the least (and in a good way).


Laundry

I'll definitely need some clean clothes for when I go back to work Wednesday night.  I might do enough of a load to last me a couple of days or do enough to last the usual five depending on the situation.

Meet a Friend for Dinner

 It's been forever since I've had dinner with this friend.  She's one of the most sociable people I've ever met.  She also tends to get worried if she doesn't hear from her friends in a while (she wanted to know if I was mad at her).  It's been a while, so I might as well visit with her and another friend at the same time (haven't had an extended conversation with him in a while either).

Sell the ole' HP dv7 notebook

 I don't use it very much, the touch pad is a royal pain on OS'es other than Windows (right click doesn't work unless I want to do some major tweaking), and switchable graphics and the Linux kernel don't currently get along.  Somebody else is needing a computer to use, and $275 USD sounded good to him.

With that money coming this Thursday, I just might be able to swing...

A Samsung Galaxy S2

I currently have the Exhibit II 4G, which is decent, but the specs are a little low.  If too much stuff is loaded, Android practically has to reload itself after killing as many processes as possible.  For a regular, everyday consumer, it's a great phone.  For what I want to do, I need something a bit more powerful.

Pay Bills

I also get to pay some more bills, which is a part of life.

All in all, I'm looking forward to this week.  Now to get this published, eat some more food, finish off those Woodchucks, and head for bed.

Go With the Flow

It's Saturday and I'm glad I'm off work.  Something interesting happened last night, but I'll be keeping it to myself for the time being.  However, I will talk about something that has been on my mind as a result of this event.

For the longest time, I would analyze things over and over again, especially if it pertained to me.  This one instance caused me to start asking questions, when a voice in the back of my head spoke up.

Stop.  Just see where this leads.

It wasn't the authoritarian type of thinking that discourages questions, but rather an inner calming of myself as I realized that I should just see what happens in the near future.  Either way, I'll see what happens.

On the plus side, it looks like I've got that HP dv7 of mine sold this Thursday.  That will get a computer off of my hands that I haven't been using in a while (switchable graphics and systems using the Linux kernel don't quite mix very well, especially when I want to use the more powerful GPU).

If I do wind up getting another portable computer, I'll be aiming for AMD yet again.  If I replace my ZaReason Breeze 3110 with anything, it will probably be this one.  In other words, I'm thinking of going strictly AMD by getting rid of the one system I that's Intel (Atom that is).

But I digress.

I now fully realize and appreciate the fact that no matter what happens, I always come out of it in one piece.  So with that, I'll have a little bit more food and then I'm off to bed.  :)

It's a Hot Pocket Kind of Day.

I've already eaten some Hot Pockets.  After the shift I had at work, I might go ahead and eat some more before going to sleep.  Before I decide on that, here's how my shift at work went.

Seeing as how I work retail at night, I get a walkie talkie depending on what part of the front end I'm on.  It allows me to communicate with supervisors if need be.  The only problem is that some interference must have been occurring somewhere.  Some people could hear me loud and clear, while one of my supervisors couldn't.  For some reason, that issue seemed to resolve itself after lunch.

I ran some freight in the celebration department, which gave me a nice break from the monotony of where I was at before.  There's always one or two items that irritate me, because I just can't find them no matter what, but I still things still went smoothly.  I volunteered to keep working on the floor, so I was asked to zone frozen.

In retail, when one zones, they pull merchandise to the front and make it look as presentable as possible.

I took cardboard and overstock to the back and went on my last break.  After that, I went to frozen.  I always start with the first set of end caps I see so I don't forget them.  Then I did my best with the ice cream side of things.  Right before I was going to do the end caps on the other side, two individuals were spotted, and I told them that the wall was already done.

Naievly figuring that frozen was going to get done at a faster rate, I told them they could start the next isle if they wanted to.  I tossed a frozen item that I knew was likely in the other isle to one of them, and they proceeded to that isle.  I took care of the other end caps and started on the other wall in the isle I was working on.

When I found a couple of items that were not in the isle I was working on, I took them to the other isle thinking they would be located there.  What I found was one of the most irritating scenarios of my life.  The other people who were sent to help me had disappeared.

Oh joy.

The same thing had happened to me on Monday morning when I was in frozen trying to make it look presentable.  One person appeared to be helping me only for them to disappear soon after (with a different person showing up and staying to make sure it was done).

I was not about to do somebody else's work for them, so I simply took the items that didn't belong in frozen to their respective places (another person in the deli department helped me locate where one of them was supposed to go).  I then took some ice cream to the back to be properly disposed of (broken seals) before telling one of the supervisors that the one isle looked like it hadn't been touched.

Another worker stayed to finish the job, bless his heart.  As for me, it was time to clock out.  Hopefully the situation of the disappearing co-worker is resolved at some point.

Now that I think about it, I believe I will have a couple of Lean Pockets before going to sleep.  ;)

Funny Phobias and a Change in Plans

Work was draining, but then again, it always is I suppose.  I still managed to find time to observe the interesting habits of people as they pay for their merchandise.  I was assigned the register that's known as the "smoke shop."  That register is the only place where one may purchase tobacco products.

Aside from those who don't like self check-out, some interesting people came and went.

Interesting Customer #1

 I never saw this customer, but I could hear them yelling, "I don't do self check!"  My supervisor offered to take care of them on a register with a full belt.  I was thankful I didn't have to deal with them.

Interesting Customer #2

Split transactions are common place in retail.  The lady handed me some cash, and when I tendered it, her new total was $6.66.  Out of fear, she grabbed a King Size Reece's just so she didn't have to have that total on her debit/credit card

I tried pointing out that it was a reference to a corrupt Roman Emperor to no avail.  She isn't the only customer who has cringed at such a number.  Such a phobia is one that I find amusing.

Interesting Customer #3

 At 15 minutes until six o'clock in the morning, a customer comes to my register with vodka.  I explained that he had to wait 15 minutes, because the register wouldn't let me ring it up otherwise.  Missouri State law limits the time in which alcohol can be sold at retail establishments.

• Monday through Sunday: 6:00 AM - 1:30 AM the next day.
• Sunday: 9:00 AM - Midnight Monday morning.

The gentleman had me hold onto his alcohol for him while he waited.  Another customer asks me what times we can sell alcohol.  He actually thought my place of work was exempt from the law and that it only applied to the bars.  It's very fascinating how many people are unaware of the law.

Changing my Phone Plan

 I'm currently with T-Mobile at the moment.  Unlike other suckers consumers, I'm on a no contract plan.*  Thanks to companies like Straight Talk, other providers have had to actually lower their prices in order to compete.

I was originally on the $50 USD plan, but I switched to the $60 USD plan.  I just got tired of getting throttled to 2G speeds after downloading a mere 100 MB of data.  Now that threshold will go up to 2 GB instead.

Soon, I will be able to watch YouTube while on lunch.

I was considering switching providers, but I really didn't want to go through the hassle of porting my number or getting a new one.  I figured I might want to be able to tether at some point anyway; though not at the moment, for I refuse to pay additional money for the privilege (hint to T-Mobile: stop charging extra just so people can tether... it's stupid, and only encourages people to run third party apps that will bypass your system).

All and all, it was an ok end to my day.  Now it's time to relax and go to bed.

Weekend's Over Wendesday: Inner Thoughts.

So tonight, I'm going back to work.  The bad part about working the graveyard shift is that one doesn't see a lot of sunlight.  The good news is that a lot of interesting people come out at night.  They often do things that make me think about myself.

Shopping Habits

Sometimes I get ideas about what groceries to buy as a customer comes through my line.  Some of the things they come up with are very interesting.  Even if I don't buy something myself, I at least consider it after the fact.

Life Stories

I always like hearing life stories about people.  It can include things such as how they met their significant other to how they arrived at their current position in life.  It causes me to pause and reflect on my own life.  It's often been said that one should know where they've been so they know where they're going.

Where I've Been

Through all the interesting experiences and all the crazy people I've met over the years, I've learned much about myself.  I can feel the energy of other people; their hopes, their dreams, their pleasure, their pain are things that I can feel on an emotional level.  I have empathy for others, yet I can be truly selfish at times.

I'm this paradox, but one that isn't truly harmful to others.  I can understand multiple points of view while holding my own.  I'm very complex on the inside, and that's ok.

My mind isn't as fast as others, but I make up for it by constantly thinking.  I've taken steps in my life that may appear to be small, but to me is a big deal.  After all, I hadn't done them before.

• I was the head of a student organization.  I wasn't as effective of a leader as I could have been, but the fact of the matter is that I cared enough to make an attempt.
• I ran for political office twice.  I didn't win this time, but I had a good showing.
• I graduated college.  While the degree may not reflect my career choice, I proved to myself and others that I could finish what I start.

 Those are just a few of the things that I have accomplished in my life.  I've also experienced firsts over the past few years.  Such experiences have helped me grow in life.

Where I'm Going

Ever get the feeling that something interesting is on the horizon and that it's a good idea to prepare for it?  We live in interesting times.  Subtle signs of possible things to come include others around me getting into relationships almost all at once, training a new co-worker (let's hope we get to keep him... he seems like a decent person and a hard worker), and friends of mine managing to write 50,000 words in a month.

I know where I've been.  I know where I want to go.  I just need the motivation to do it.  If I can become motivated enough to move to a much better living space than before, I can turn my passions and hobbies into a living.  I want to be able to spend the whole day goofing off, having fun, and getting paid while doing it.

For now though, the bills have to be paid.  Food needs to find its way into my stomach.  A roof needs to remain over my head.  With that, I shall grab something to eat, and head back to bed.  After all, my weekend has come to an end.

It's a Black Jack Kinda Night.

So here I am.  I decided to go ahead and do another blog post.  After neglecting this blog for several days at a time, why not?

I had some Chinese at King Chef in Warrensburg.  It has plenty of good food, and I got this nifty fortune.

I plan on keeping that in mind.  In the meantime, since I'm off tonight, I might as well have a little bit of fun.  At the moment, I'm chatting with friends on Facebook and IM in general while drinking some Jack Daniels Black Jack Cola.  All in all, I'm at peace and enjoying life at the moment.  :)

Life Ever Mysterious

It's been a while, hasn't it?  I really need to stop delaying my personal blogging, but I suppose I can't help it.  Sometimes life just gets in the way.  Here's what's been happening thus far.

The Election

This year, I was a congressional candidate.  Those of you who know me also realize that I'm a Libertarian at heart.  I subscribe more to the live and let live attitude than anything else.  That doesn't mean I'm perfect regarding the political party and philosophy, but I'm improving.  I'm still new at political activism.

Two years ago, I just wasn't ready to be involved in politics, yet I put myself out there.  I lost the primary by four votes, and I hardly did anything.  This year, I was initially unsure if I would run for office at all.  In the end, I ultimately decided to put myself out there again.  Once again, I ran for the U.S. House of Representatives in the Fourth Congressional District of Missouri.

This time, I was also involved in a contested primary.  Unlike two years ago, I managed to win in August.  I went to two candidate forums (one before the primary, and one after), did some media interviews, and was a bit more active overall.  While I did not win the election, I noticed that there is an upward trend when it comes to Libertarianism.  I managed to get over 10,000 votes, which isn't bad for being on the November ballot for the first time.

I can only imagine what might occur two years from now.

Work

I work retail, so Thanksgiving and Black Friday are naturally my two favorite days of the year.  Holiday pay plus angry shoppers wanting that TV that's going to break in less than a year (but it's only $150!).  Sarcasm aside, my legs have been giving me a bit of trouble as of late.  I finally realized that the multivitamin I was taking might have been wrecking me more than helping, so I simply stopped.  Ever since then, I've been able to move around more easily.

Getting adequate rest after getting home has also helped.

It will be worth it in the end though.  There's a small present that I have been eyeing for some time for myself.  ;)

Life in General

It's incredible.  At the beginning of the year, I stated that 2012 wasn't the end, but the beginning.  For me, that's been especially true.  Certain life experiences have taught me a lot, and for that, I am thankful.

Strange.  It's truly strange.

My life has been ever so mysterious.  From nearly dying at the age of six (while making medical history) to being who I am today, strange things have always been happening to me and around me.  While going forward, pieces of the past are always with me.

For example, the street I live on shares the same name as the lady that I fell for while in college.  While such a love affair wasn't meant to be, my current place of residence has this feeling of being a safe haven for me when I wasnt to simply be at home.

I feel safe and relaxed when I'm there, unlike my previous living arrangement that was mold infested.

When I realized that I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with the nice lady in question, I constructed an image in my mind to keep myself distracted.  I went on a quest of sorts to find a rare gem.

A raven haired beauty with eyes as blue as the ocean or sky.  While that never happened, I did manage to get myself into a four month relationship after being introduced by an acquaintance.   The diverging paths in our lives meant that it ended, but I did learn a few things along the way.

• Having a significant other in my life made me much happier.
• It is important to treat said significant other very well.
• It is equally as important to know what you don't want in a significant other.

The third bullet point was illustrated by the fact that the person in question wanted to start a family at some point while I did not.  Therefore, our lives were going in a different direction, thus making us incompatible in the end.

I never forgot about that quest for the rare gem so to speak though.  I've stopped that quest, but I have noticed that I've been looking women in the eye more often.  External beauty also doesn't have the impact that it once did on me.

There's still some obstacles in my life, but what fun would it be not to have them?  Still, I'm at peace at the moment.  Whatever happens, happens at this point.  I might post later today.  Or maybe not.  I haven't decided yet.

The Damndest Thing: A Retail Story

What? Another blog post? Is it a miracle? Actually, an event happened before lunch at work that I wanted to relay to my entire audience. So what happened?

Work started off uneventful enough. Registers were getting cleaned, impulse items were being organized, and I was busy doing what I could to stay awake. Weekends ending are always a struggle, but since when hasn't that been the case for a lot of this country's workforce? One sign that this was not going to be an ordinary night was the fact that since state tax on tobacco products was not being charged, we couldn't legally sell them.

The glitch has not been fixed as of yet.

Here's where things get weird. A red head comes through my line. I've seen her in the store and around town before. The conversation was strange to say the least.

Me: Long time no see.
Her: That's because I don't like you.
Me: Let me ring this stuff up as fast as I can so you won't have to deal with me.
Her: I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm prickly like that. I don't appreciate how.... (trails off)

One thing's for sure. I appreciated her honesty. Sometimes two people's personalities clash and they are better off not associating with one another. In that area, I will go above and beyond.

When I get home, said individual will be blocked on Facebook if they haven't blocked me first. That way, she won't have to deal with me ever again; at least not on that site.

To My Friends

Outside of family, friends are an important influence in one's life.  After all, how else are cool things such as Dr. Who and TNA Wrestling discovered other than stumbling upon them by accident?  Friends can show you things you've never even heard of.  They can also be a part of that extended family that cheers you on when you triumph and lends a sympathetic ear when you're not at your best.

In order to fully understand this blog post, you may want to read this one and this one.  Long story short, I was in a relationship with a wonderful lady for four months.  She wants to eventually settle down, get married, and start a family.  Since being a parent is not what I envisioned my future to be, I had to break it off.  Soon after, I made the one mistake that I'll hopefully never repeat.

I went back onto a couple of popular free dating sites to see if I could find that special someone.  I came up short.  I finally realized that the dating scene wasn't for me at all.  I need to work on me first and foremost before I began that ever elusive search for that special someone; that final corner piece to the jigsaw puzzle known as my life so to speak.

The Epiphany

A friend of mine treated me to lunch not too long ago.  He could tell that I was not in good spirits, so he used that opportunity to get me out of the apartment so he could lend a sympathetic ear over some good Chinese food (on a side note, if that "lady" working at King Chef ever yells at fellow workers in front of customers again, they may lose my business for a while... that happened yesterday).  It was a good start to my weekend, despite me being down in the dumps.

The next day, I woke up late that afternoon and decided to basically have the day to myself.  I went to Copper Coyote to see if their food was any good (it was).  I also treated myself to some Dairy Queen and watched The Amazing Spiderman in the local theater with another friend of mine.  I ended the night with a light meal and some Boone's Farm wine.

 When last Thursday rolled around, I had realized that I was screwing up in terms of searching for somebody new.  I was putting the cart before the horse so to speak.  Before dating again, I need to enjoy my life as I see fit.  There's some things I want to accomplish (like getting my website off the ground yet again).  An image shared by a friend on Facebook helped me to come to this realization that I was doing it all wrong.

In essence, my previous post was my way of saying that there was a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  In other words, I learned something about myself; a lesson I'll hopefully never forget.  If I do, there will be plenty of reminders.

Addressing Concerns

To the person who was concerned about me and whether I was being honest with myself or not, I thank you.  To all of my friends, thank you for being there for me.  I know many of us have new lives that prevent us from spending as much time with one another as we may want, but the fact that we can still reach each other is one of the coolest things of our time.  We have various social networks online we can use to talk to each other and share things with.

While I do appreciate any concerns about my own mental/emotional wellbeing, I would like to assure you of one thing.

I'm fine.

With me, time is a great method of healing.  I'm not talking about waiting things out per se.  Talking about something over and over again can only do so much in terms of moving on with one's life.  Sometimes doing something we enjoy can pass the time long enough that whatever has us frustrated leaves our system.  Granted, other obstacles and challenges will undoubtedly head my way.

It's a bridge that I'll cross when I encounter it.

Clearing Up Misconceptions

First of all, I am an emotional person.  Emotions and feelings are a big part of my life.  So statements like, "We all have our bad days." or "That's everybody." aren't quite true.  I've developed a thicker skin over the years, but there are days where things still get to me.  Allow me to explain.

I am the type of person who has this never ending struggle with myself.  Whether you want to blame it on a Zodiac-based superstition (I'm a Pisces by the way) or something else, it's something that's been a part of my life for a long time.  There is this duality in me.  Sometimes I'm in a very cheerful mood, and sometimes not so much.  When I'm up, I'm up.  When I'm down, hoo boy!  Fortunately life experience has taught me and continues to teach me how to effectively channel my emotions into something useful.

After all, if I'm at work, I need to be working instead of bursting into tears in front of co-workers and customers.  When I'm at home, I use the opportunity to recharge so to speak.  Sometimes it involves leaving the apartment on a night out to myself or staying in and hibernating in my bedroom.

Quite a few things with me involves a delayed reaction.  For example, if I get sick, I don't know it until I'm right in the middle of illness.  For that reason, if I have to have a hardcore debate with myself on whether or not to call in to work, I decide to call in to work.  There was a time when I thought, "I just didn't get enough sleep, so I'll just call in one time and get rested up."  It turned out that I was under the weather and wouldn't have realized it were it not for my mom telling me how the color had come back in my face after not working two nights in a row.

Speaking of delayed reactions, if I'm sad I can't always talk it out or power right on through.  It takes time for it to leave my system.  I would know because I have tried in the past to talk it out and power on through only for my own emotions to catch up with me later.  That's the way I am.  I can make minor adjustments and tweak things to where it works a bit better and is more convenient.  However, I have to deal with my own feelings as they come.

There's a reason they say that time heals all wounds.  I'll add the caveat that not all things are healed in time, though time passing can be an effective treatment.  It's not about waiting it out.  It's about knowing when I'm ready to move on.  Right now, I'm in a much better place mentally and emotionally.  I'm still in a recharge phase, but when that's done (and I have a feeling that it's coming very close to being done), watch out!  Good things are coming for me, because I'll be working for them.

Conclusion

I know some things written here may be taken the wrong way.  I understand.  The saying, "I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand." exists for a reason.  No, it doesn't mean the other person is stupid.  It means that we all interpret information differently.  A friend of mine took a previous blog post the wrong way and showed some concern.  I will appreciate that concern to the very end.  However, I'll be fine.  I've got things that I have to accomplish with a group of people who are fighting for the rights of people living in my county.  I also have a contested primary to win in August.  With that said, here we go!  XD

From the Dark Crevices Comes Clarity

For reasons I won't go into at this time, I was in a dark place.  Granted, it wasn't as bad as in the past, but the feeling sucked all the same.  In a previous entry, I wrote about leaving the dating scene.  Well, my mind has this issue known as a delayed reaction.  Everything caught up with me Sunday morning before I fell asleep.

A few tears came out of my eyes.  I was still able to go to work that night and survived into Monday morning.  Anticipating that I was in a dark place, my friend Jason offered to have lunch with me.  I told him I would let him know.  Upon trying to take a nap, I was met with more sadness.  Streams of tears came out of my eyes.  Apparently enough negativity was in my system that it was due for a flushing or face the threat of backing up (also known as a nervous breakdown).  Fortunately, I was in the flushing phase.

After having lunch at King Chef, I took my friend back home.  Due to the fact that I was not in a good place so to speak, lunch was on him.  He knew that I needed somebody to talk to, and talk to him I did. I also talked to my mom that day.  You see, I had picked one hell of a time to feel that way.  I was due at the city council meeting at 7 PM CST to request a response regarding a request to allow the citizens of Warrensburg to petition initiatives themselves instead of relying on election cycles to change the direction of the entire city.

Despite my realizing that feeling like there was nobody for me was a feeling that I loathed, I was able to pull myself together thanks to Jason and my mom so that I could speak to the city council.  On Tuesday, I enjoyed food at the Copper Cyote (that's what others get for complaining about their controversial sign), dessert at Dairy Queen, and watched the Amazing Spiderman.  I ended my night with a trip to Boone's Farm.

So apparently I've gotten to the point that the darkness inside of me is almost totally gone.  I saw the following image posted on a friend's Facebook timeline.  Read it below, because it will reveal what I've been looking for in a significant other all along.

After reading that image, I had an epiphany.  Someone to wake up next to, to eat breakfast (or other meal) with, etc.  Someone to share things with was vague as all let out.  What about something more specific?  Specific as in someone who completes me?  At the moment, I still feel like a puzzle that's only half way complete.  The other pieces are missing, and they are pieces that I can't find on my own.  Nobody can help me find them.  I have to let the pieces find me.  So what are they?

• Willingness to wake up next to me every day (or night depending on the situation), to eat together, play together, and live together.
• Acceptance of me as a person along with my acceptance of her (whomever that may turn out to be) as a person.
• Understanding that I have no intention of becoming a father; I do not want children.  If a potential other wants children, then it's not meant to be.

Combine those pieces with the text in the image above, and you'll have a more complete picture of what I am wanting in a soul mate.  I do believe that a soul mate exists for me, but I can't find one right now.  It's not my time yet.  I also can't keep doing this to myself regarding the dating scene.  Why?

Whether the other person gets annoyed, creeped out, or even hurt would pale in comparison to the fact that I usually hurt myself the most.  I'm tired of that feeling.  The good news is that I can truly begin to let go now and move on with my life.

Encounters of the Opposite Gender: A Life Decision Revealed.

I started writing something, then I stopped myself.  Why?  What was I so afraid of?  I was probably afraid that I was writing something totally inappropriate.  Still, I need to get another part of my past out of my system.  So if there are those who are offended, I do apologize.  Unfortunately I can't make everyone happy or prevent others from being upset.  I'm also not about to shell out big bucks for a therapist.  Why should I when I have one already?  I speak of the audience of this blog.

In The Beginning...

Growing up I never thought I would have a girlfriend, get married, or have children of my own.  I had little to no direction in my life and my mind felt like it was under this giant fog most of the time.  There was the lack of confidence, being made fun of by classmates (and picked on), and the overall feeling of uselessness.  I found computers to be my niche only after my sister took computer programming classes in high school.

So I take programming only to discover in the middle of the year that the teacher in question, Mr. Kinder, was going to retire.  To this day, I am still cordial to him.  However, I still don't appreciate what he did.  Spending too long away from a class that required software to be written sort of wrecked my enthusiasm to pick up programming ever again.  Then again, I discovered that I don't have the patience for it, so he may have done me a favor without me realizing it.

I discovered Technology Information Management, which actually was fun.  Mr. Boyles seemed to care about his students.  The director on the other hand didn't seem to want to let him or the other instructors at the vocational school do their jobs to their fullest potential.  This meant no special events, and no taking the A+ certification after the two year course was complete.  Despite any downsides to taking that course, I learned more than I ever thought possible.  Then I moved onto college.

Of course I liked looking at the various gaggles of girls throughout college.  I was male after all and I had my own share of hormones.  I was still under the impression that I wouldn't have a girlfriend or a significant other.  Things were about to change.

She Forced Herself Into the Elevator

I was taking an American Literature course when I first ran into her.  Well, that's not entirely true.  She ran into me.  I first noticed her in a pair of overalls and a white shirt that made her look like a dork, even for a guy like me.  I thought to myself, "What a weirdo!"  She was also in between cup sizes, so you know what that meant.  The bra straps refused to cooperate, so me with my hormones in control.... I took a look or two at her trying to get those blasted straps back into position.  When she looked my way, I simply turned my head and glanced out the window.

When class was over, I would normally put my headphones on and blast my iPod full blast before getting in the elevator of the Martin building.  I was normally in the mood just to be left alone in my thoughts.  I didn't want to talk to anybody else.  If somebody tried talking to me, I'd get annoyed.  Let me have my imagination and let me be!  Well, one day it happened....

I get in the elevator and pray for the door to shut in time.  Nope.  Her hand forced the doors back open as she declared victory for making it.  I knew she was going to strike up a conversation.  She did.  Whoever said that there is no such thing as a divine force with a sense of humor must have never had the experiences similar to what I've had.

Her name was Laurel, and she explained how her mom would also strike up random conversations at the store.  For some reason, she and I hit it off after that.  At least as far as friends were concerned.  We had just read one of Benjamin Franklin's writings, and she explained how she shared his stubbornness.  We soon became conversation partners before and after class.  Then for some reason, we did not have as much contact as we once did.

By then I had become curious.  What would it be like to date someone?  To go out with someone?  To have a girlfriend?  I kept looking at various girls, but for some reason my mind kept coming back to her.  One year, I was getting really irritated at those who were all lovey dovey during Valentines Day.  I then call her and ask, "Would you like some chocolate?"  She replied that she was about to watch the latest Jason movie that had come out, and asked if I wanted to watch it with her friends.  I had some dinner at Country Kitchen then joined them for the midnight showing.  After the movie, I handed her chocolates, and she thanked me for them (after joking that Warrensburg was about to write a few citations for my messy Jeep).

On my 26th birthday, things came to a head.  I was in tears at the end of my shift.  There I was.  26 and all alone.  That was the worst feeling that I've ever had.  The door greeter tried to assure me that I would find the one, but the comment that they found theirs after 40 didn't help matters much.  No matter what was going to happen for the next couple of years, a relationship between her and myself was not meant to be.  Now I understand that it was never meant to happen.

A True Leader

Kat was an awesome person from the get go.  Though ditzy at times, she had quite a bit of motivation and intelligence.  It also helped that she was very adorable.  She became president of the anime club at the college I went to.  It was because of her that the group became really, really awesome.  She took the club to new heights, and I was the treasurer at the time.

The gatherings we had were so much fun.  True to my male form, I developed a bit of a crush on her.  She was destined for bigger and better things though.  I will say that she never judged me whatsoever.  For that, I am grateful.  :)

A Couple of Dinners

Then there was Alexis.  She seemed pretty cool, and best of all, she laughed at my jokes.  We had Chinese at King Chef and on another day, food at Taco Bell.  Unfortunately, it also wasn't meant to be. She went her own way after not being able to continue her college education.

Alexandria

I was introduced to her by someone who was a social manipulator.  He vicariously lived through others, which was not good for him.  I developed feelings for her, but only because she led me on.  She was one of the first people who seemed genuinely interested in me.  A friend of mine told me that she had crazy written all over her.  I would learn that it wasn't meant to be due to attachment issues she had to someone else.

A Relationship Before 30

A friend on Facebook writes a message saying that they aren't good at this match making thing.  She thought of a friend of hers and she realized she deserved a nice guy in her life.  Heather and I became a couple soon after meeting.  Not bad for a dude who was going to turn 29 in March.  In June, it ended.  Why?  She wanted kids.  To this day, I still don't want kids.

The part about kids I know I was right about.  The things I want out of life wouldn't allow for it.  Regardless of age, screaming and crying kids put me on edge.  I don't like it.  She saw it coming and seemed to understand.  We're friends to this day.  :)

My Decision

Though I am a hopeless romantic, I've decided to stay single for the rest of my life.  I'm no longer actively looking for anybody.  The searching gets tiring after a while.  I'm still on dating sites, but I doubt I'll get lucky on any of them.  There isn't much about myself that I'm willing to compromise at the moment, so another relationship won't work out anyway.

Bachelor Once Again.

Four.  That number is so significant to me right now.  Why is that?  I'll let you guess for a moment.

Is it a reference to a certain faction in professional wrestling that became legendary?  Am I talking about the main elements in our own existence?  The corners of the globe?  Four is a significant number for me.

Four months.

That's how long my first relationship lasted.  That was a hell of run, but it was time for it to be finished. The lady friend's greatest dream was to be a mom.  Problem is, I don't want kids.  I'm not the parenting type.  Never have been.  Never will be.  She saw it coming too.

It was the high school reunion in Leeton, Missouri.  I brought her along with me.  I caught up a little bit with everyone, and things were going well until one of the kids started to cry.  Children crying grate on my nerves and put me edge.  I don't deal with it very well.

I described how I could cope in some instances when she said, "You better get used to it, 'cuz if we're together long enough and we get married, we're having kids!"  It felt it like I was shutting down on the inside.  I'm not mad at her for that.  I'm grateful that she woke me up.  For too long, I've been compromising who I was just so I could get into a relationship.  Thanks to meeting this person through a mutual friend, I understand fully.

I even told her that to her face.  Text messages and Facebook notifications were not appropriate in this instance.  I had to explain in person.  She understood.  She saw it coming.  She'll no doubt be a bit sad for some time.  Like I told her, "It's not the end of the world, but it is important."  Who am I to deny her the future that she wants?  If I don't want kids, then being with her as a significant other would have only hurt her and myself.

That, and I have my own future to worry about.  If another person comes along, I will be more up front in that category.  Chalk it up to another life lesson learned.  Now I can start moving on.

Oh and by the way, we're still friends.  :)

One Change About to Occur

"You don't know what you want."  I've been told that on occasion.  Truth is, I've been indecisive at times.  What to eat?  What to wear?  Certain things day to day get me worked up, because I can't decide.  I just can't.  Today is different.  Not too long ago, I said I would be making some changes.  One of them was going to involve hurt feelings.

It's not because I'm going to be insensitive.  Sadness is going to occur for a little while, but this decision has to be made.  Sometimes there are moments that occur that remind one what they actually don't want out of life.  One of those moments occurred ten days ago.  Now I am sitting here typing this entry as I try to wake up so I can get some needed business taken care of beforehand.

I told a friend last night that I would be nervous as things draw near.  That was no lie.  Will there be a mutual understanding?  Or will emotions fly all over the place.  I don't know yet.  It's an area in life I'm not experienced with yet.  I will be in a matter of hours.  Right now, I just need to get some things done in order to pass the time.  When all is said and done, I will make sure I have a nice big dinner.  What I'll eat will depend on how this face to face moment goes.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  Not that it will be that bad, but I'm not expecting a walk in the park on this one.

Weekend's Over Wednesdays: The Transition.

I slept from about three in the afternoon yesterday until ten in the morning today.  What is it about headaches that make me tired all of a sudden?  I rearranged my room the way I wanted it, so now I'll be even more comfortable when I sleep.  I'm also going to be at a meeting tonight (yay) before work.  That is going to be oodles of fun.  In in a previous post, I also mentioned some changes coming down the line in my life.

I won't go into specifics until next week.  The reason for that is it's the type of things that has to happen in real life.  Sending a text message, posting on a blog, or messaging via instant messenger or social networking site isn't going to cut it when it comes to an important life decision.  I will say that I have to do what's right for me and that I can't keep doing something just to make others happy at this point.

It was one of those things where I wished I had it for so long that I didn't realize what I already had.  So next week, I have to get that personal part of my life taken care of.  After that, I'll be better able to focus on certain things in my life, such as the online magazine I'm supposed to be doing and that campaign I'm supposed to be doing.  What happened at the beginning of the year was one of the most wonderful things in my life.  However, I need to focus on my future and what is important to me.  No doubt it will be emotionally draining, but it has to be done.

On a lighter note, Dylan Avery has been busy rebranding himself.  Check him out while I go check on the dishes.  :)

Sunday Brief: Important Decisions

Went to my high school reunion. 10 years. It passed quickly and thanks to yesterday, I am thinking more about my future. I have important decisons to make. One of them may result in hurt feelings.

One person wants to go in one direction. The other another. I have a week to think on it. Suffice it to say, if I'm not open about this, it won't be fair to the other person. Until I make this decision, I won't be able to make the others. That is all.

Never Thought I'd Feel This Way

I feel the title of this post is quite adequate.  I mean, it's not like I knock back a few cold ones often after work.  After all, it's a bit of a challenge to do when working at night into the morning.  Then again, quite a few things went wrong that night.

• I was allowed to do a learning module at my place of work when I should have been allowed to do it that morning when it was slow instead of last night when I could have gotten some crucial things done that needed to be done.
• Two overnight cashiers being pulled to different departments leaving just three of us up front until after my lunch.... After my lunch, and another person's got done, it was just two of us up front.  Why?  Our glorious leader had to do a learning module or they would have been late.  The questions stumped them, and it took a support manager's assistance for them to pass.  That left two of us up front until well after 5 AM.
• A certain somebody decides not to come back from lunch so they can go to A-Kon down in Texas.  While I don't know the full story behind that, if I would have been asked to zone (or to organize and tidy up) the area they were working in, I would have been quite close to telling the supervisors in question where they could shove it.  Again, I don't know the full story, but suffice it to say, I managed to stay awake long enough for a ride down to Dallas for the anime convention in question.  Suffice it to say I'm glad I didn't go this year.
• Three "ladies" decide to use their EBT/SNAP benefits to go on a three cart grocery shopping spree, and promptly take their stuff to the register that's also the tobacco lane.  It was meant for only 20 items or less, and while there are occasions at night into the morning that exceptions are made, they were really pushing it.  I had to lure other customers who would have had to wait to a register on the other side of the store while watching self check at the same time.  Wanna talk about inconsiderate?  Let's talk about this for a moment.  Those three should have waited until 8 AM when more registers would have been opened, but noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!  They thought they could beat the crowds by being there that early.  Instead, they royally screwed over the customers and the staff where I work.  Thanks "ladies."  I really appreciate it.

So here I sit about to go to bed while getting this off my chest.  I can definitely see why people are fleeing retail like there's no tomorrow.  I mean, why work in an industry where corporate expects you to do 9,000 things at once while questioning why you weren't there for that one customer.  Here's a hint, idiots!  Why not let the people assigned to certain areas complete all the tasks for said areas instead of "borrowing" (i.e. stealing) them for other things.  That way, you can have more at once and will get the same amount of work done all across the board.  Oh wait!  That would make too much sense.  After all, pi$$ on the peons who are trying to get their work done.  No.  Go ahead and screw them and wonder why you keep losing people dip$hits!  But then again, you all wouldn't have to care, would you?  I've gotten to the point where I really can't trust anyone who happens to be a leader of any sort, not even the nice ones.

That's also why I wouldn't be surprised if you were the ones screwing over a friend of mine so he can't get a better job and escape your madness.  What?  Petty of me?  No, that would be most of you being quite petty.  After all, how dare that one worker stand up for their own spouse when they were being harassed by a male who acts like a good person and a joker when all they had done as of late was throw others under the bus.  I know the real reason why members of management have been leaving where I'm working for other areas.  They don't want to be held responsible.  I recognize that every member of management is responsible for the mess that the workplace in question is in right now.  At least one of them had the good sense to walk away from something that was dumped on them.  I'm not saying that person wasn't the leadership type.  It's kind of hard to be a leader when you're outnumbered by those who won't let you.  I would know.  I've been in a similar situation.

This isn't to say that things won't get better.  However, this is starting to really irritate me.  I have three more nights to go before I get 48 hours of reprieve (with me working graveyard, it hardly feels like two days though it technically is two days).  I'm just glad I've got holiday pay on this check and a bonus two weeks from that.  That is... if somebody doesn't find an excuse to get rid of me.  We shall see.  I'm starting to form an exit strategy for where I'm currently at.  Needless to say, I'm getting burned out on retail.

Memories and Life Lessons

The past... It always has a way of making me reflect on myself and others around me. In this personal post, I won't mention names. The people in question know who they are, and they can contact me if they have any concerns. Everyone else reading this will hopefully understand that I need to get a few things off my chest. Let's begin.

The lady who now works for the power company

I remember you from anime club. You seemed cool at first. I was even pleasantly surprised when I discovered that you worked in the lawn and garden department of my current place of employment. Graduating college and moving on is a concept that all of us embrace. However, I also remember the not so pleasant things about you.

Like when you interrupted me in the middle of my attempt to articulate and convey an argument, because you weren't comfortable with the subject matter. Yes, I fought back tears. Threatening to throw your money on the table at the eating establishment in Dallas and leaving hurt me on the inside.  I also remember how you removed me from your friends list on Facebook after you asked a question (possibly in jest) and me responding with a link that implied that you might need help. I asked about it, and you made some BS claim about cleaning up your list due to an old slow computer. I should have been clued in when you referred to a professor that I hold in high regard as a very deragatory term... one that feminists wouldn't care for.

Those you consider false friends.... Remember when you told them, "Well, you're more his friends anyway..."? I believe you said that to a couple of my friends as you were moving away after they indicated that they would like to remain in touch. I'm pretty sure that they didn't feel like a friend of yours after that. You left mega retail for a local job only to want something better later on.  You move away from the town that you've been a resident of for so many years in order to get to something that you feel may be more fulfilling.

Then you expect a couple of my friends to fawn all over you when you decide to "grace" them with your presence? Why no hugs? One of my friends in question is going through medical issues at the moment. A hug was the last thing they needed at the moment, especially when they are normally the type that only trusts their spouse when it comes to touching. Then again, talking to somebody as if they were a small child probably didn't help matters any either. You claiming to be nice is but a mere mask that you wear. The moment that someone calls you on it, you twist everything. I should have started seeing it a long time ago, but alas. I am naieve.

Thank you.

You showed me the difference between pretending to be kind to others and actually meaning it. You also reinforce my policy against removing any more friends from Facebook unless a conflict of interest would force me to do so. I would like to hear you out regarding your side of the story when it comes to somebody you broke up with, but I also remember the nonesense that you pulled on me a couple of times. I can't just forget about that.

Allow me to give some unsolicited advice. Tone it down on the drama, will you? Your ex has a life of their own now, where they're gainfully employed, engaged to one who he cares about (and one who returns those feelings from what I umderstand), and takes care of his lady's son as if he were his own. Now you're in a relationship with somebody else and from what little I could gather, you two seem to be quite happy. The ex has moved on. Why don't you do the same?

To the one who tried to act like my father

I will never forget your actions so long as I live. Yes, I opened up to my family and my friends about what happened during the final year and a half of college. You may attempt to claim that it was all a game publicly.  After all, that's what you told me to tell others in case the "big secret" got out.  Ironically, you did play a game, but it was with each person's life that you encountered. It was those games that caused a rift between people that could have been good friends. Perhaps one day, I will be able to repair some broken ties.

You obsessed over a girl that no longer wanted you to the point where you asked me to break into their e-mail account.  That was not cool.  Whether it was that or your intervention in January of 2011 that caused me to want to stay away from you, I will never know.  I do know what finally convinced me to do so.

Things had been going wrong with me last summer.  Not only did I not get to move in with a group of people that seemed almost like a family, but I was not to be a dear friend's new room mate.  I wanted to get out of that old apartment so badly.  Then it happened.  I had enough and decided to find a new place come hell or high water.  I found that new place on the first try.  The location and type of building was well suited to what I was looking for.  It was a Monday night in late August.

I had been moving things with the help of my mom.  Then you called pitching a project idea and wanting to "inspect" my new place.  The next morning, I drew the line.  I needed to settle in where I was at.  I also needed time to myself without being disrupted by your presence.  Around you, I started becoming something I didn't like.  I see that now.

It was a gentleman in Florida who once stated, "Be who you want to be, not what everyone else wants you to be."  I was losing my own identity to you and your so called mission to "help" people.  What about what I wanted in life?  What about my website?  My hopes?  My dreams?  They almost spiraled into nothing.  Almost.

The one who helped me was the one that told you that you needed to get your own life.  It was the same person who told you that it was not your place to tell me how to live my life.  I'm now rebuilding myself.  It'll take time, but I'll get there eventually.  I have made some progress, but there's always room for improvement.

The anime club's future may be uncertain at the moment.  However, the membership will now get to determine the direction they want to go and possibly move the group back to its original intent.  They will do just fine without your molding or mine.  It's their group after all, and they should do what they want to do.

With that said, you need to know one more thing.  I've heard about how others will never talk to you ever again as if they hate you or just "forget" about you.  I refuse to forget about you, because you are a part of life's many lessons for me to learn.  In short, I don't hate you.  I never will.

I may disagree with your past actions.  Hating you will get me nowhere.  The last time I checked, you were engaged to somebody you found to be special.  I hope it works out for you.  I also wish you the best of luck in finding a new job that you can be fulfilled at.  Finally, I wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors.  Living for yourself can be challenging, yet very rewarding.  Keep up the good work, and please... for God's sake... finish your website.

As for the individual who wanted a "country boy" instead of a real man...

You can run.  You can try to hide.  People in this town know you for what you are.  You looked at my friend and told him that he wasn't country enough for you.  You then shack up with somebody who is old enough to be your father.  You're still attempting to control my friend by using a small child as a weapon.  That isn't right.

The bad part is that you know what you're doing is wrong.  Yet you isolate yourself from other people, because you know they would disagree with what you're doing.  There are times in which I can be flexible when it comes to infidelity in a marriage.  This isn't one of them.

Your husband, unlike another friend of mine, did not have diabetes, schizophrenia, and bi-polar disorder at the same time.  He was quite sane, had his own identity, and was an overall good person.  He still is to this day.  Yet you chose to hide behind smoke screens and lurk around other peoples' profiles online.  Then you seek to control your current husband despite you two being separated.

As far as I'm concerned, he can date whoever he wants.  He can do whatever he wants so long as he doesn't harm others.  What difference does it make?  You two are separated.  If you can shack up with somebody who's nearly in their 40's, then my friend can live his own life thank you very much.  Ironically, I am thanking you.... for bringing a friend back into my life.

All that I ask in return is that you stop walling yourself off from other people, stop trying to control my friend, and be more mature about the situation.  If he wasn't what you wanted all along, then let it be.  For goodness sake, get out of that trailer you're in.  It's probably riddled with mold.  If you're worried about baby clothes, go to the clothes closet (south on 13, Variety Center).  It only costs a couple of bucks to get as many clothes as your son needs.  Stop wasting your money on brand new clothes when he's only going to outgrow them anyway.  Oh, and don't blindly follow WIC literature.  Instead, ask others who have actually raised children.  Save up your money and actually move somewhere that's decent.  It would only benefit your son after all.

To the ones who hated me last year

They say things come in threes.  Well, I'm being a nonconformist.  To the guy that was shaking in anger and frustration at me.  To the lady who was upset with me.  I am sorry.  I was a pawn in somebody else's game and I sincerely hope you weren't their pawn as well.  I see that one of you is now president of the anime club.  Congratulations.  I hope it turns out well.  I may not be able to attend most meetings this fall, because it's an election year.  However, know that I am stockpiling some anime (Central Pawn and Muttly's has an interesting selection).  In other words, I'm rediscovering anime itself.  Also know that I am no longer a part of a certain circle that resides on the other side of this state.  It's been several months since I last spoke to the person in question.  I wish you the best of luck.

Conclusion

I have my own life now.  Thanks to all the above and more, I am learning more than a textbook can ever teach me.  For that, I am grateful.  I will continue to be as such while I am defining myself the only way I know how.  I'm truly looking forward to my 30th next year.  Thanks for reading.