Encounters of the Opposite Gender: A Life Decision Revealed.

I started writing something, then I stopped myself.  Why?  What was I so afraid of?  I was probably afraid that I was writing something totally inappropriate.  Still, I need to get another part of my past out of my system.  So if there are those who are offended, I do apologize.  Unfortunately I can't make everyone happy or prevent others from being upset.  I'm also not about to shell out big bucks for a therapist.  Why should I when I have one already?  I speak of the audience of this blog.

In The Beginning...

Growing up I never thought I would have a girlfriend, get married, or have children of my own.  I had little to no direction in my life and my mind felt like it was under this giant fog most of the time.  There was the lack of confidence, being made fun of by classmates (and picked on), and the overall feeling of uselessness.  I found computers to be my niche only after my sister took computer programming classes in high school.

So I take programming only to discover in the middle of the year that the teacher in question, Mr. Kinder, was going to retire.  To this day, I am still cordial to him.  However, I still don't appreciate what he did.  Spending too long away from a class that required software to be written sort of wrecked my enthusiasm to pick up programming ever again.  Then again, I discovered that I don't have the patience for it, so he may have done me a favor without me realizing it.

I discovered Technology Information Management, which actually was fun.  Mr. Boyles seemed to care about his students.  The director on the other hand didn't seem to want to let him or the other instructors at the vocational school do their jobs to their fullest potential.  This meant no special events, and no taking the A+ certification after the two year course was complete.  Despite any downsides to taking that course, I learned more than I ever thought possible.  Then I moved onto college.

Of course I liked looking at the various gaggles of girls throughout college.  I was male after all and I had my own share of hormones.  I was still under the impression that I wouldn't have a girlfriend or a significant other.  Things were about to change.

She Forced Herself Into the Elevator

I was taking an American Literature course when I first ran into her.  Well, that's not entirely true.  She ran into me.  I first noticed her in a pair of overalls and a white shirt that made her look like a dork, even for a guy like me.  I thought to myself, "What a weirdo!"  She was also in between cup sizes, so you know what that meant.  The bra straps refused to cooperate, so me with my hormones in control.... I took a look or two at her trying to get those blasted straps back into position.  When she looked my way, I simply turned my head and glanced out the window.

When class was over, I would normally put my headphones on and blast my iPod full blast before getting in the elevator of the Martin building.  I was normally in the mood just to be left alone in my thoughts.  I didn't want to talk to anybody else.  If somebody tried talking to me, I'd get annoyed.  Let me have my imagination and let me be!  Well, one day it happened....

I get in the elevator and pray for the door to shut in time.  Nope.  Her hand forced the doors back open as she declared victory for making it.  I knew she was going to strike up a conversation.  She did.  Whoever said that there is no such thing as a divine force with a sense of humor must have never had the experiences similar to what I've had.

Her name was Laurel, and she explained how her mom would also strike up random conversations at the store.  For some reason, she and I hit it off after that.  At least as far as friends were concerned.  We had just read one of Benjamin Franklin's writings, and she explained how she shared his stubbornness.  We soon became conversation partners before and after class.  Then for some reason, we did not have as much contact as we once did.

By then I had become curious.  What would it be like to date someone?  To go out with someone?  To have a girlfriend?  I kept looking at various girls, but for some reason my mind kept coming back to her.  One year, I was getting really irritated at those who were all lovey dovey during Valentines Day.  I then call her and ask, "Would you like some chocolate?"  She replied that she was about to watch the latest Jason movie that had come out, and asked if I wanted to watch it with her friends.  I had some dinner at Country Kitchen then joined them for the midnight showing.  After the movie, I handed her chocolates, and she thanked me for them (after joking that Warrensburg was about to write a few citations for my messy Jeep).

On my 26th birthday, things came to a head.  I was in tears at the end of my shift.  There I was.  26 and all alone.  That was the worst feeling that I've ever had.  The door greeter tried to assure me that I would find the one, but the comment that they found theirs after 40 didn't help matters much.  No matter what was going to happen for the next couple of years, a relationship between her and myself was not meant to be.  Now I understand that it was never meant to happen.

A True Leader

Kat was an awesome person from the get go.  Though ditzy at times, she had quite a bit of motivation and intelligence.  It also helped that she was very adorable.  She became president of the anime club at the college I went to.  It was because of her that the group became really, really awesome.  She took the club to new heights, and I was the treasurer at the time.

The gatherings we had were so much fun.  True to my male form, I developed a bit of a crush on her.  She was destined for bigger and better things though.  I will say that she never judged me whatsoever.  For that, I am grateful.  :)

A Couple of Dinners

Then there was Alexis.  She seemed pretty cool, and best of all, she laughed at my jokes.  We had Chinese at King Chef and on another day, food at Taco Bell.  Unfortunately, it also wasn't meant to be. She went her own way after not being able to continue her college education.

Alexandria

I was introduced to her by someone who was a social manipulator.  He vicariously lived through others, which was not good for him.  I developed feelings for her, but only because she led me on.  She was one of the first people who seemed genuinely interested in me.  A friend of mine told me that she had crazy written all over her.  I would learn that it wasn't meant to be due to attachment issues she had to someone else.

A Relationship Before 30

A friend on Facebook writes a message saying that they aren't good at this match making thing.  She thought of a friend of hers and she realized she deserved a nice guy in her life.  Heather and I became a couple soon after meeting.  Not bad for a dude who was going to turn 29 in March.  In June, it ended.  Why?  She wanted kids.  To this day, I still don't want kids.

The part about kids I know I was right about.  The things I want out of life wouldn't allow for it.  Regardless of age, screaming and crying kids put me on edge.  I don't like it.  She saw it coming and seemed to understand.  We're friends to this day.  :)

My Decision

Though I am a hopeless romantic, I've decided to stay single for the rest of my life.  I'm no longer actively looking for anybody.  The searching gets tiring after a while.  I'm still on dating sites, but I doubt I'll get lucky on any of them.  There isn't much about myself that I'm willing to compromise at the moment, so another relationship won't work out anyway.

Bachelor Once Again.

Four.  That number is so significant to me right now.  Why is that?  I'll let you guess for a moment.

Is it a reference to a certain faction in professional wrestling that became legendary?  Am I talking about the main elements in our own existence?  The corners of the globe?  Four is a significant number for me.

Four months.

That's how long my first relationship lasted.  That was a hell of run, but it was time for it to be finished. The lady friend's greatest dream was to be a mom.  Problem is, I don't want kids.  I'm not the parenting type.  Never have been.  Never will be.  She saw it coming too.

It was the high school reunion in Leeton, Missouri.  I brought her along with me.  I caught up a little bit with everyone, and things were going well until one of the kids started to cry.  Children crying grate on my nerves and put me edge.  I don't deal with it very well.

I described how I could cope in some instances when she said, "You better get used to it, 'cuz if we're together long enough and we get married, we're having kids!"  It felt it like I was shutting down on the inside.  I'm not mad at her for that.  I'm grateful that she woke me up.  For too long, I've been compromising who I was just so I could get into a relationship.  Thanks to meeting this person through a mutual friend, I understand fully.

I even told her that to her face.  Text messages and Facebook notifications were not appropriate in this instance.  I had to explain in person.  She understood.  She saw it coming.  She'll no doubt be a bit sad for some time.  Like I told her, "It's not the end of the world, but it is important."  Who am I to deny her the future that she wants?  If I don't want kids, then being with her as a significant other would have only hurt her and myself.

That, and I have my own future to worry about.  If another person comes along, I will be more up front in that category.  Chalk it up to another life lesson learned.  Now I can start moving on.

Oh and by the way, we're still friends.  :)

One Change About to Occur

"You don't know what you want."  I've been told that on occasion.  Truth is, I've been indecisive at times.  What to eat?  What to wear?  Certain things day to day get me worked up, because I can't decide.  I just can't.  Today is different.  Not too long ago, I said I would be making some changes.  One of them was going to involve hurt feelings.

It's not because I'm going to be insensitive.  Sadness is going to occur for a little while, but this decision has to be made.  Sometimes there are moments that occur that remind one what they actually don't want out of life.  One of those moments occurred ten days ago.  Now I am sitting here typing this entry as I try to wake up so I can get some needed business taken care of beforehand.

I told a friend last night that I would be nervous as things draw near.  That was no lie.  Will there be a mutual understanding?  Or will emotions fly all over the place.  I don't know yet.  It's an area in life I'm not experienced with yet.  I will be in a matter of hours.  Right now, I just need to get some things done in order to pass the time.  When all is said and done, I will make sure I have a nice big dinner.  What I'll eat will depend on how this face to face moment goes.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  Not that it will be that bad, but I'm not expecting a walk in the park on this one.

Weekend's Over Wednesdays: The Transition.

I slept from about three in the afternoon yesterday until ten in the morning today.  What is it about headaches that make me tired all of a sudden?  I rearranged my room the way I wanted it, so now I'll be even more comfortable when I sleep.  I'm also going to be at a meeting tonight (yay) before work.  That is going to be oodles of fun.  In in a previous post, I also mentioned some changes coming down the line in my life.

I won't go into specifics until next week.  The reason for that is it's the type of things that has to happen in real life.  Sending a text message, posting on a blog, or messaging via instant messenger or social networking site isn't going to cut it when it comes to an important life decision.  I will say that I have to do what's right for me and that I can't keep doing something just to make others happy at this point.

It was one of those things where I wished I had it for so long that I didn't realize what I already had.  So next week, I have to get that personal part of my life taken care of.  After that, I'll be better able to focus on certain things in my life, such as the online magazine I'm supposed to be doing and that campaign I'm supposed to be doing.  What happened at the beginning of the year was one of the most wonderful things in my life.  However, I need to focus on my future and what is important to me.  No doubt it will be emotionally draining, but it has to be done.

On a lighter note, Dylan Avery has been busy rebranding himself.  Check him out while I go check on the dishes.  :)

Sunday Brief: Important Decisions

Went to my high school reunion. 10 years. It passed quickly and thanks to yesterday, I am thinking more about my future. I have important decisons to make. One of them may result in hurt feelings.

One person wants to go in one direction. The other another. I have a week to think on it. Suffice it to say, if I'm not open about this, it won't be fair to the other person. Until I make this decision, I won't be able to make the others. That is all.

Never Thought I'd Feel This Way

I feel the title of this post is quite adequate.  I mean, it's not like I knock back a few cold ones often after work.  After all, it's a bit of a challenge to do when working at night into the morning.  Then again, quite a few things went wrong that night.

• I was allowed to do a learning module at my place of work when I should have been allowed to do it that morning when it was slow instead of last night when I could have gotten some crucial things done that needed to be done.
• Two overnight cashiers being pulled to different departments leaving just three of us up front until after my lunch.... After my lunch, and another person's got done, it was just two of us up front.  Why?  Our glorious leader had to do a learning module or they would have been late.  The questions stumped them, and it took a support manager's assistance for them to pass.  That left two of us up front until well after 5 AM.
• A certain somebody decides not to come back from lunch so they can go to A-Kon down in Texas.  While I don't know the full story behind that, if I would have been asked to zone (or to organize and tidy up) the area they were working in, I would have been quite close to telling the supervisors in question where they could shove it.  Again, I don't know the full story, but suffice it to say, I managed to stay awake long enough for a ride down to Dallas for the anime convention in question.  Suffice it to say I'm glad I didn't go this year.
• Three "ladies" decide to use their EBT/SNAP benefits to go on a three cart grocery shopping spree, and promptly take their stuff to the register that's also the tobacco lane.  It was meant for only 20 items or less, and while there are occasions at night into the morning that exceptions are made, they were really pushing it.  I had to lure other customers who would have had to wait to a register on the other side of the store while watching self check at the same time.  Wanna talk about inconsiderate?  Let's talk about this for a moment.  Those three should have waited until 8 AM when more registers would have been opened, but noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!  They thought they could beat the crowds by being there that early.  Instead, they royally screwed over the customers and the staff where I work.  Thanks "ladies."  I really appreciate it.

So here I sit about to go to bed while getting this off my chest.  I can definitely see why people are fleeing retail like there's no tomorrow.  I mean, why work in an industry where corporate expects you to do 9,000 things at once while questioning why you weren't there for that one customer.  Here's a hint, idiots!  Why not let the people assigned to certain areas complete all the tasks for said areas instead of "borrowing" (i.e. stealing) them for other things.  That way, you can have more at once and will get the same amount of work done all across the board.  Oh wait!  That would make too much sense.  After all, pi$$ on the peons who are trying to get their work done.  No.  Go ahead and screw them and wonder why you keep losing people dip$hits!  But then again, you all wouldn't have to care, would you?  I've gotten to the point where I really can't trust anyone who happens to be a leader of any sort, not even the nice ones.

That's also why I wouldn't be surprised if you were the ones screwing over a friend of mine so he can't get a better job and escape your madness.  What?  Petty of me?  No, that would be most of you being quite petty.  After all, how dare that one worker stand up for their own spouse when they were being harassed by a male who acts like a good person and a joker when all they had done as of late was throw others under the bus.  I know the real reason why members of management have been leaving where I'm working for other areas.  They don't want to be held responsible.  I recognize that every member of management is responsible for the mess that the workplace in question is in right now.  At least one of them had the good sense to walk away from something that was dumped on them.  I'm not saying that person wasn't the leadership type.  It's kind of hard to be a leader when you're outnumbered by those who won't let you.  I would know.  I've been in a similar situation.

This isn't to say that things won't get better.  However, this is starting to really irritate me.  I have three more nights to go before I get 48 hours of reprieve (with me working graveyard, it hardly feels like two days though it technically is two days).  I'm just glad I've got holiday pay on this check and a bonus two weeks from that.  That is... if somebody doesn't find an excuse to get rid of me.  We shall see.  I'm starting to form an exit strategy for where I'm currently at.  Needless to say, I'm getting burned out on retail.